Month: December 2016

I would never behave like that

When we see behavior we don’t like, it is tempting to write it off. “I would never behave like that” or “how could he/she do that?” might feels appropriate.

But, is it?

Would you really “never” behave like that? Given the same upbringing and an identical situation, you probably would, too.

Instead, a better question is – “what would it take for me to behave like that?”

There always are a few situations that might result in behavior you didn’t like. Perhaps if you felt out of luck and stressed? Or, if you felt desperate to find a job? And, what if you were in financial stress? Or, if that behavior was rationalized because of good results in the past?

Asking the “what would it take?” question inspires more empathy than the write off. It is also a lot less hypocritical.

We are only as kind to others as we are to ourselves. One way, then, to be kinder is to learn to be kinder to ourselves. But, the other approach works, too. As we learn to be kinder to others, we learn to be kinder to ourselves.

Also, as a rule, it is good to be careful with “always” and “never.”

You don’t know what I’ve been through

“You don’t know what I’ve been through. If you did, you would understand why I’m behaving this way.”

Sounds great in theory. In practice, “you don’t know what I’ve been through” is the ultimate excuse for jerk behavior.

Of course, they don’t really know. They can’t know. They didn’t experience that bad break up, the passing away of a loved one or get screwed over by someone they trusted. Not in the way it happened to you at least.

But, it doesn’t matter. Adversity is an opportunity for us to learn more about ourselves and become wiser about how the world really works. If you are simply wearing that adversity as a badge to justify bad behavior or if all it did was close your mind to new possibilities, then that experience was, sadly, wasted.

The universe will throw us adversity opportunities every once a while to learn and grow. It is up to us to use them well. When we do, it’ll show in the wisdom behind how we operate. And, when that happens, they will want to know what you have been through and how can they go through similar experiences and grow through them.

If they don’t want to know what you’ve been through, telling them isn’t going to help. As far as people go, pull tends to work much better than push.

Voice of confidence

The voice of confidence is different from what many people imagine.

Before you do something
What people imagine: This is going to be AWESOME. I am going to be the best.
The real voice of confidence: This might not work… and that’s okay.

When things don’t work out
What people imagine: This sucks. All my plans are not working. Do I suck? No, it is due to all those idiots around me.
The real voice: We learnt something. We’ll try again tomorrow.

When things do work out
What people imagine: I am so good. So so good.
The real voice: We learnt something and it is great that this worked. Let’s try the next thing tomorrow.

The voice of confidence isn’t loud and doesn’t appear strong. It almost appears to quiver at times with vulnerability and is generally soft.

But, let’s not mix volume and clarity.

PS: If you are wondering, confidence and courage are like twin siblings. You could substitute one for the other in this post and it’d still be true.

Private victories, public victories

Segmentation is one of the basic marketing tenets. If you build a product, target a segment that will love its strengths and ignore its shortcomings. Similarly, if you want to build a blog that becomes massive (assuming you aren’t someone famous already), you are better off focusing on some niche. Examples of such niches are productivity, personal finance, minimalism, health, etc. Going after learning in as broad a sense as this blog does isn’t a winning strategy. For those of you manage to stick on despite this very broad focus, I try every once a while to explain what this blog is about. An idea that will help frame this is – private victories precede public victories.

I am re-reading the 7 Habits very slowly. And, it was nice to be reminded of the logic behind Covey’s structure – focus first on private victories and, only then, will public victories follow. This is the basis of the character ethic that Covey describes. It is about bringing a certain sustainability into life and happiness by being effective. So, what does that even mean?

I’ll go back to my concentric priorities image. If we think of the world as a series of priorities – you, your people, your work and your community – private victories are focused on you, your people/relationships and parts of your work.

The principle is straight forward – you will be able to lead others only once you lead yourself. And, to lead yourself, you have to first understand how to be proactive, to think long term while focusing on what you control and learn to prioritize.

The first time I read Covey’s book, I spent all my time attempting to put the “private victories” portion in action. I had such a long way to go. However, as I read it now, I feel more comfortable with this portion of the book. I am still giving it plenty of thought but I find myself thinking about optimizing existing approaches versus building them from scratch. This process has taken 7 years. And, I’m sure it’ll be a few more years before I spend more of my time attempting to live part II.

How does this relate to this blog? I write about what I most need to learn. And, this blog is and has been shamelessly self focused over the past 8 and a half years. That will likely change with a time. But, for now, it is me teaching myself how to develop a perspective that is both effective and kind. That is why this blog is some parts happiness and other parts productivity, minimalism, some finance, health etc. It isn’t the most effective marketing strategy and is certainly not a case study in segmentation. But, I don’t intend this to be any of that.

This is about growing into character – one learning at a time, over a very long time. It is hard work. But, it is also an awesome process. As is evident in the sheer number of topics I write about, there isn’t any prescribed way to go about this process. Sure, there are a few principles that help. But, for the most part, you are on your own. It is just a journey that requires consciousness and engagement.

And, mostly, it is a journey.

PS: “For those of you manage to stick on despite this very broad focus, I try every once a while to explain what this blog is about.” – if you’ve stuck around for a while, you probably don’t need an explanation. So, you probably guessed this – this is more a reminder of the “why” for me than it is for you. Thank you for your attention. :)

Unglamorous moments

I was thinking of a whole host of unglamorous moments today.

Listening to the radio while stuck in traffic.
Attempting to calm your hysterical kid in the middle of the night.
Having to make an emergency run to the grocery store because your partner forgot to get something.
Going through an ordinary day of work.
Eating your staple food for dinner.
Recovering from the flu.
Working through a thousand cell spreadsheet one cell at a time.

You’ve been through most or all of this. So, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And, yet, when we think of our lives, the movies tell us that the list of moments should probably look something like the following.

Winning a prestigious award in front of family.
Getting promoted to <insert fancy title> in <insert famous company>
A happy, all smiles, re-union with friends in a beautiful island somewhere.
Watching your kid/partner/family member do something awesome.
Etc.

You may be lucky to have a few of those glamorous moments come by a couple of times in your life. But, for the most part, you are going to live a life full of unglamorous moments. And, here’s the amazing part, if you have the privilege to go through these unglamorous moments without having to worry about your health, safety or shelter, you have everything in place to earn your happiness.

How do you that? By developing a perspective that helps you constantly experience gratitude. And, I mean constantly. If you are stuck in traffic, it means looking around and being thankful for everything in your life that enables you to be stuck in that traffic. Your car, your home, your people, your job, this planet, etc., etc. There’s always plenty to be thankful for. But, it requires perspective and an appreciation for those unglamorous moments.

That matters because of two truths. First, the occasional glamorous moment that gets consigned to the highlight reel is a result of millions of these unglamorous moments well done. And, second, the ratio of unglamorous moments to glamorous moments is probably in the range of a billion to one. So, if you’re wasting these moments in the search for glamour, that’s a real pity.

We earn our happiness, one unglamorous moment at a time.

Involving others in solving problems

There are pros and cons to involving others in solving problems. There are two quotes that represent both sides of the argument. The first is “many hands make light work.” And, the second is “too many cooks spoil the broth.”

Both of these quotes focus on the work itself. And, they’re both right depending on the context.

However, of late, I’ve found another interesting benefit when involving others – luck. Sometimes, solving problems requires a bit of luck; it involves an accidental find or a flash of insight that cracks the problem. And, over the past few months, I’ve found myself in situations where a little bit of extra luck went a long way in solving a tricky problem.

Every once a while, it is better to be lucky than good. And, when we feel we’re running out of luck, involving others can help turn the tide.

So much crazy

It is probably justified to look at the news and think – “So much crazy going on.” For example, here’s a quick sample from the last 2 days.

The Filipino Prime Minister admitted to killing criminal suspects himself to show the police how it should be done.
Donald Trump brought together the world’s top technology leaders. But, 4 seats on that table are reserved for, of course, his kids.
The Russian premier kept Japan’s premier waiting for 3 hours – not a surprise as delays are part of his power game.

It feels like the end times. Of course, it isn’t. After all, there’s always been plenty of crazy on the planet. And, if it isn’t directly affecting you or if you don’t control it (and that is more of us than we like to admit :)), there’s really little point sweating it.

And, I’d say the “don’t sweat it” idea extends even to things you think matter. We are prone to waste too much time on nonsense. It is part of being human. So, there’s more politics in the office than there needs to be. And, there’s way more jealousy and envy than we should bother with.

Joseph Addison had a great quote that speaks to this –

 “When I look upon the tombs of the great, every emotion of envy dies in me; when I read the epitaphs of the beautiful, every inordinate desire goes out; when I meet with the grief of parents upon a tombstone, my heart melts with compassion; when I see the tombs of the parents themselves, I consider the vanity of grieving for those whom we must quickly follow; when I see kings lying by those who deposed them, when I consider rival wits placed side by side, or the men that divided the world with their contests and disputes, I reflect with sorrow and astonishment on the little competitions, factions, and debates of mankind. When I read the several dates of the tombs, of some that died yesterday, and some six hundred years ago, I consider that great Day when we shall all of us be contemporaries, and make our appearance together”

Whenever you find reflecting on “so much crazy,” just remember Joseph Addison. Sure, most people might forget this in their lifetimes as they chase small and insignificant triumphs. But, you don’t need to be one of them. In the final analysis, we all end up in the same place. And, in Addison’s words, “we all make our appearance together.”

Don’t sweat the crazy. Love, laugh and live instead.

Audit

An audit is an inspection of an organization’s processes typically conducted by a third party. I love the idea of an annual audit and I think I’ve become more conscious about the process over time. And, this year, I am thinking about the various parts of my life as I aim to commit to a few practices for the coming year.

For starters, I tend to take a concentric circle view when I think of my priorities.

This builds on a simple principle – you can’t take care of others until you take care of yourself. However, the prioritization that follows is personal. I think of my people, my work and my community (service) as the priorities that follow – in that order. So, here are some questions I’m asking myself. This isn’t an exhaustive list of the question I should be asking as I’m focused on areas I most want to improve.

Me
How can I eat healthier?
How can I be fitter?
What is my information diet looking like? How can it be less, but better?

My people
How can I be more conscious in my relationships?

My career
How can I organize my workday better to make sure I’m tapping maximum productivity?
Post kid, how do I embrace more flexibility in terms of when I work without letting it affect my engagement at home?
How can I take the time to synthesize what is going in tech?
How can we manage our finances better?

My community/service
How do I define service?

I’ll aim to write about the results of these questions over the next few days.

Mind control

Professor Charles Xavier in the X Men has a powerful ability – mind control. There are multiple other cartoons and comics where controlling others’ minds is a superpower. And, I wouldn’t blame you if you thought this post was about that.

It isn’t, though.

This is about our minds. As we grow up, we spend a lot of time in school studying topics like Math, Science and Language. Then, in college, it could be Engineering, the Arts or whatever else. All of this is important brain food. And, yet, the single most important topic, Psychology, is completely optional. All those other things we studied can help us become extrinsically successful. But, they do little else and they definitely don’t help us understand our mind.

You could be in one of the most beautiful places on earth. But, you could be intensely unhappy inside. You could be living in a gorgeous home with everything a human being might want. But, you might be living in self created hell and be unable to notice it. On the flip side, you could have little compared to everyone around and, yet, be happy.

This isn’t an easy problem to solve. It takes time. Like all difficult problems, it first begins with awareness. It, then, needs us to learn and know better. We live in a time when an education in human psychology is a click away. Use it (if in doubt, start with the “7 Habits”).

All the other stuff we read will help us build a living. Understanding how to work with our minds will help us build a life.

Better self talk – is this worth it

Yes, things would be better if you stopped worrying about stuff you didn’t control. And, yes, things would also be better if you stopped complaining. But, a blanket ban isn’t a recipe for better self talk. If anything, it only makes things worse.

Asking yourself to stop complaining or to stop worrying today is futile. If you are in the habit of worrying, it will be several weeks or months before you learn to break that habit. A blanket ban is just a frustration creator. As you get more frustrated, the self talk will get worse. And, at some point, you’ll label yourself incapable and move on to the next futile quest.

A better question, then, is to just make it a habit to ask – “Is this worth it?” If you are worrying about something you really shouldn’t be wasting energy on, the question – “Is worrying about this worth it?” – should prompt you to re-examine your approach to solving the problem. Of course, worrying or complaining isn’t an approach that helps solve any problem. If anything, they cripple your defenses. But, that’s the sort of logic that’s beside the point when you are worrying (or complaining).

Trevor Noah, on the Daily Show, nicely shared that you can’t win an argument with a toddler on facts. They’ll just make up ridiculous facts. You win arguments by asking the toddler to elaborate. By asking questions and opening a dialog, the toddler soon realizes that what he/she is saying makes little sense.

In debating with our emotional side, we are engaging with our inner toddler. So, by asking “Is this worth it?,” we open a dialog with ourselves. This isn’t about solving the problem. It is about asking the question and making progress.

Bit by bit and question by question is how great things are done.