Worry is suffering twice

After writing a post on worry recently, a friend and I discussed it further. He shared that the one of the bigger lessons he’s taken away from his meditation practice is that worry is suffering twice – at minimum.

When we worry, we first suffer the worst case scenario that we can imagine -sometimes more than once depending on how long we dwell on it. If we then experience the worst case scenario, we suffer again.

Of course, there’s an additional catch. The worst case scenario rarely materializes. And, we tend to overestimate how badly it’ll actually affect us.

Don’t suffer twice. We have a choice.

KLM and flying responsibly

The CEO of KLM Royal Dutch Airlines wrote a remarkable letter asking its customers to “fly responsibly.” An excerpt –

We’re in this together. We work hard to get things right, but all parties involved need to join forces to create a sustainable future. All stakeholders in the aviation industry, all corporations in any industry. And yes, all air travelers too. What can you do, in addition to carefully considering your travel plans?

It is a remarkable message coming from the CEO of an airline and one that is great to see. It is part of a growing push among folks in Europe to replace flights with trains and means of transport with lower carbon footprints – inspired by a growing awareness on the climate crisis.

I expect the cost of flying to go up over time as we all realize the true cost of flying – with the negative externalities priced in. In the meanwhile, it will be fascinating to see if more airlines follow up with similar messages.

Bad prioritization, Good prioritization

Bad prioritization: Make an ordered laundry list and intend to make some progress on everything. Easy. Ineffective.

Good prioritization: Use judgment to pick the top 1-3 items we’re going to focus heavily on – an outcome of sound strategy. Agonize over saying no to perfectly good ideas that just aren’t making the cut at this time. Tough. Powerful.

Applies just as well to building good products, planning how to spend time on a holiday, and building a better quality life.

The resounding yes

One of the benefits of learning to tune out the noise to pay more attention to our gut is that it becomes significantly easier to make decisions.

The gut, it turns out, doesn’t generally mess about with 50-50 decisions. Instead, it lets us know when it is a resounding yes (a “hell yeah”).

The key is paying attention to that sign while recognizing that the absence of that resounding yes is a no.

No further deliberation required.

3 reflections from Wimbledon

I was following the highlights at Wimbledon and was fortunate to catch half of the final set of the Federer-Nadal semi-final and most of the Federer-Djokovic final today. I had 3 reflections.

Before I get to them, however, a hat tip to the legends who’re playing the game today. Serena Williams, Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, and Novak Djokovic are all going to go down as legends. As a Federer fan, it was incredible to see him go into both the semifinal and final as the underdog (it’s all relative) and nearly pull off his 9th Wimbledon victory at ~38 years of age. Incredible. There’s no other word for it.

Onto the reflections.

First, I was just amazed at the quality of tennis in both of Federer’s last games. There were times when my heart was in my mouth. I just couldn’t fathom how they produced high quality tennis during such high stakes moments. It could only flow from muscle memory. And, I found myself imagining the number of hours spent practicing to prepare for such moments. It made me ask myself how I could do more to summon such muscle memory in decisive moments myself.

Second, Federer played consistently better through the final against Djokovic. However, Djokovic held his nerve during 3 crucial tie breaks. Big games are won by the smallest of margins. And, Djokovic won with those margins.

Finally, it looks likely that Djokovic will surpass Federer and Nadal’s grand slam tallies by the time he’s finished and lay his claim to be the greatest men’s tennis player of all time. But, and maybe this is what is special about being a fan, there is no one who will surpass Federer in my eyes. It still is such a pleasure to watch Federer play – it never fails to remind me to focus as much on the art as we do the science.

It is inspirational.

Seek not to make them like you

In a conversation recently, I mentioned the challenge presented by an idea from Kahlil Gibran’s exceptional poem on children – “Seek to be like them, seek not to make them like you.” 

On hearing that, this friend shared that their struggles weren’t in trying to make the kids like them – instead, it was in trying to make the kids an aspirational version of them. It was more pressure than both the kids and the parents could handle – until they sought help.

It was a powerful reflection and one that translates beautifully to many other relationships where the power dynamic at any given time is unbalanced in our favor.

It is tempting to attempt to control and force conformity.

But, it is in the “letting go” and in the ability to absorb the best of those around us where the learning lies.

Over-communication and incentives

Why over-communication matters in a period of change – “It is difficult to get a person to understand something when their salary depends on them not understanding it.”

It is also a helpful reminder to not take it personally if something you’ve been working hard to communicate isn’t landing as yet.

Incentives are powerful.

Raising the bar on worry

Worrying is toxic. It messes with our minds, affects our health and productivity, and wastes our time.

But, even if we logically understand all that, it is hard to remove worry altogether – especially if worrying about stuff has become a habit.

I met someone who solved this by raising the bar on worry. For example, consider asking yourself 2 questions every time you find yourself worrying –

1. Am I worrying about something that involves a potentially terminal health problem?
2. Am I worrying about the climate crisis?

If the answer to either of the above is yes, you might cut yourself some slack and give yourself the next hour to worry about it and, perhaps, process your own feelings by writing about it.

If the answer is no, however, then it doesn’t meet the bar. It just isn’t worthy of your worry time.

We’ve got limited time and attention –  it is on us to focus it on stuff that matters.

A tale of two stories

I know two people who went through a tough experience two decades ago.

One of them told themselves the story of hope after the experience. They resolved to look for growth from the pain, seek forward momentum, and find excuses to spread love.

The other told themselves the story of pain. They resolved to remember the pain, look back to reflect on the perceived injustice, and find excuses to be hurt and spread hurt.

There’s a powerful, life-changing even, learning here about the power of the stories we tell ourselves. But, the more interesting learning comes from observing the power of seeing folks live these stories over a long period of time.

Like everything we choose to do on a daily basis, the impact of these stories compounds. Despite more challenges they’ve had to face, the person who told themselves the story of hope has become the most positive people I’ve met over time. The challenges they’ve faced have only strengthened their resolve to find hope, love, and possibility.

Alas, the person who told themselves the story of pain is at the other end of the spectrum.

There are some stories we tell ourselves everyday. It pays to be aware of their compounding impact on our attitude over time.

And, if they aren’t working for us, then it may be time to change them.