Category: Everything else

Earphones at dinner

We were at dinner at a restaurant last week when a father, mother and their daughter (likely a teenager) sat down in the table next to ours. We were engrossed in conversation as we were catching up with a friend we hadn’t seen in ages.

A few minutes later, our friend said – “Check out the quality conversation at the next table.”  Sure enough, all three of them were busy on the phone.

Minutes passed. Dinner had been served but that was just a side show – they were still on the phone.

A few minutes later, we saw the teenager abandon all pretense and put on her headphones. The Dad seemed busy on WeChat. The mom alone was silently eating her dinner.

—

It isn’t unusual to see phones being used at the dinner table. Earphones, however, are a completely different matter.

That is, at least, what I thought.

But, are they any different? Pulling out our phone at dinner is us implicitly saying – “This is more important than the food and the people on the table.” So, what makes putting on earphones any worse than texting?

This, to me, speaks to the danger of marginal cost thinking. Just as saying “just this once” is a recipe for disaster, making an excuse for a “small thing” isn’t any better.

Small things, done repeatedly, become the big things.


Image source

Behind the curtain

1: A wise friend’s friend and ex-colleague, an accomplished entrepreneur, was once in a room with one of the richest, most successful businessmen of our time (let’s call him Mr.Forbes). They were discussing a potential business initiative and Mr.Forbes seemed to be behaving somewhat difficult through the discussions. He seemed to be putting an undue amount of pressure on himself to make absolutely sure the venture would be a big success. After the meeting, this friend asked one of Mr.Forbes’ close friends and associates about the behavior. “Yes” – the friend acknowledged, “he’s just very hard on himself because he’s worried people think of him as a one trick pony.”

—

2: David Heinemeier Hansson, the co-founder of Basecamp, has a fantastic post in 37 Signals blog about “The day I became a millionaire.” In the post, he shares what many of us know deep in our hearts. After a certain point, money doesn’t make you any happier. Of his realization, he says –

If anything, I began to appreciate even more intently that flow and tranquility were the true sources of happiness for me all along. It was like I had pulled back the curtain on that millionaire’s dream and found, to my surprise, that most of the things on the other side were things I already had. Equal parts shock and awe, but ultimately deeply reassuring.

He adds –

I can only speak to the experience I did have. The one I do share with millions of people who have the basics taken care of, but who still yearn for the treasure perceived to be behind the curtain. For those who might contemplate giving up all manners of integrity, dignity, or even humanity to pull it back.

—

3: In a conversation with a couple of close friends recently, one of them pointed out that my point of view on someone’s behavior is likely because of “negative goggles.” It was a comment that made me pause and ask myself a couple of questions – “Am I aware of an unconscious bias in my judgment of the situation?”, “Am I being judgmental when it isn’t necessary?”, and “Am I giving with expectations?” It didn’t take me long to answer these questions. I cleared myself of the unconscious bias and I believed I was applying judgment only when concerned with the specific discussion. But, I did feel I’d given something in this situation with certain expectations. The nature of the situation was such that I felt myself entangled in it and I hadn’t let go. That wasn’t something I’d intended to do and the conversation helped me take a simple step that helped me resolve it.

—

These stories and a certain friend’s recent experiences have exposed me two truths –

1. When you don’t have your basics, i.e. shelter, food and security (or the lower ends of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs), taken care of, life is a fight for survival and making ends need. This happens to us occasionally during times of adversity. In such cases, our life has little do with our sense of self. If you are the daily wage laborer who has to work 16 hours to make ends meet, you don’t have time for much reflection. Even if it might make your life better, your priorities are different – it is about earning your bread and notching up a win for the day. Similarly, if your kid is very sick, your own well being is put on hold as you care for your kid. Again, during such times, it isn’t about you.

behind the curtain, life, needs, self

2. Once you do have your basics taken care of, life, in many ways, is everything you do with your sense of self. Notice how the upper pyramids have to do with love/belonging, esteem and self-actualization. For example, to be loved, you have to be, and feel, lovable. This is what lies “behind the curtain” of most human beings you and I know.

It is this struggle that explains Mr.Forbes’ behavior. It is this struggle that David Hansson refers to. And, it is this struggle that I went through this morning. The quality of our lives has everything to do with how we feel about ourselves. It doesn’t matter how much wealth or material success we have. If we don’t feel good, life isn’t going to be good.

So, how do we feel good or love ourselves? Here, I will go back to Scott Peck’s definition of love – “The will to extend ourselves for our own or another’s spiritual growth.” Or, to put it simply, to love, we must grow. And, to grow, we must love. Growth doesn’t come easy, of course. Self-growth is a constant cycle of learning, reflection, control and awareness. It is a cycle of – self-control -> deliberate action -> reflection or self evaluation -> self knowledge -> self awareness. It is easier to not complete the loop. Self evaluation is painful. I have been working over these years to give without expectations. And, yet, when I caught myself doing so this morning, it pained me. But, ignoring it isn’t going to solve the problem. Response is. And, now that I know this happens, I can be more aware and exercise better self control next time. It is an incredible loop. But, it is hard work. You can avoid this loop for a while (for years, in case of some people), but the pain felt as you grow is nothing compared to the pain felt when you don’t.

It is always better to do the work.

As Scott Peck says –

Life is difficult.
This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

It doesn’t matter who you are. The fact that life is difficult remains unchanged. If you, like me, are blessed to be free of worries around your basics, maybe this ought to be a reminder that our life is ours alone and we make of it what we will. It is best spent when we stop wondering what is behind the curtain of other people’s lives (especially those who’re more wealthy or more successful by some measure or other) and become better at loving ourselves.

So, it all comes down to this – we’ve been dealt a hand of cards. It isn’t easy to play it right. But, choose to grow, and we have the opportunity to make it meaningful, to make it count.

It truly is a wonderful life.

Desiderata

I was reminded of the poem Desiderata yesterday. I thought I’d share some of my favorite lines from the poem-

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

I first heard about Desiderata around this time 4 years ago from Gary, an inspirational shoe repair shop owner, in London.

That last line, in particular, is one I’ve thought about and shared repeatedly. It resonated deeply with me as it came to me at a period when I was struggling with letting go. I won’t say I’m fantastic at letting go now but I think I’m infinitely better than I used to be.

So, yesterday, when I caught myself fretting at a minor disruption to my plans, I remembered Desiderata and realized that it was time to take a deep breath, take stock and move on.

The universe is unfolding as it should.

Not perfect

The easiest way to get rid of the obsession with perfect is to simply commit to doing a few things consistently. Imagine you conducted a certain kind of meeting every week. Some weeks are going to be great and some, well, not so great. That’s the beauty about committing to something consistently – you understand how hard it is to repeatedly do simple things right.

It doesn’t mean you don’t hurt when you walk out of something you did knowing it wasn’t perfect. But, you do become more tolerant of the idea over time and make peace with it.

For example, on most days, after I finish writing here, I do a bit of editing and find myself saying – its not perfect but it works. On the rare occasion, I do manage that perfectly edited post. On most days, however, I don’t. There’s always the next thing I need to get to and the aim is just to do my best given the constraints.

My learning has been that perfection is what you make of it. There isn’t any objective measure. In my case, perfection here is thinking about what I’ve learnt, showing up every day and doing my best to communicate these lessons in a manner that makes sense and that, every once a while, leads to something insightful.

The results don’t always reflect it but I’ve learnt to make peace with that and trust the process. As Dory might say, what really matters is that we keep swimming.

not perfect, keep swimmingSource

Stacking meetings and owning your calendar

If ever there was a principle for managing your schedule as a knowledge/office worker, it would be – “Own your calendar.” Until you have help to do this for you, take those few extra minutes every day to own meeting invites yourself where possible. This will enable you to do two things that add value –

1. You can stack meetings so you have more uninterrupted gaps to do focused work
2. You an group meetings on a certain project to avoid unnecessary context switching

While switching contexts fewer times in a day is a big win, I think the biggest benefit is more uninterrupted gaps. As long as you get into the discipline of switching off your notifications during uninterrupted time, these stretches will end up being among the biggest sources of value you add to the world.

An uninterrupted stretch isn’t a guarantee that you’ll end up doing work that matters. But, it sure maximizes the chances.

Calendar, stacking meetings, owning

Inspiration without structure

Many organizations spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to bring in inspirational speakers to speak to their employees. When employees walk away from these talks feeling inspired, it all seems worth it.

structure, inspirationSource

But, when they go back to their desks and get to work, reality hits them. While the talk inspired them to think about innovative ideas, their organization never really encouraged innovative ideas. Sure, they said they wanted more of them. But, you always found yourself embroiled in organizational politics when you attempted to push change through.

Leaders and managers often wish for a more inspired work force. But, in situations like this one where there are no structures to support inspired employees, inspiration can often be counter productive. Employees in such organizations walk away from attempts at inspiration feeling frustrated and cynical.

There are two important takeaways for us as leaders –

1. If we seek to inspire our team, the most important thing to do isn’t to give an outstanding talk about why we do what we do. It is to provide the structure within which our team can go out and express themselves. This means providing them clarity on why we do what we do, establishing clear norms and expectations on how we do our work (our culture) and being open to helping them define goals that help the team move forward while also helping them to learn, grow and hone their abilities. Structuring work well requires openness to change and a great deal of thought as good structure needs to provide a certain amount of flexibility without it feeling like anarchy.

2. If we seek to be inspired ourselves, no amount of inspiration will help if we don’t have structures in our life that help support doing work that matters. This means a world class collection of habits that help us focus through the day, be present with our loved ones and take care of ourselves.

Inspiration without structure is like an artificial flower – it looks good from a distance but it doesn’t feel or smell like the real thing.

Quantity and creativity – The 200 words project

Two artists, Ted Orland and David Waylon, relate the story of a ceramics teacher who found herself teaching a class on two separate days, neatly divided in half. She decided to try an A/B experiment. To the first half of the class she said what she’d been saying for years – “You’ll be graded based on the quality of your work. At the end of the semester, turn in the single best piece of pottery you created.” To the other half of the class, she said something very different. She explained to them that they would be graded purely on quantity – “Crank out as many pots as you can this semester.”

At the end of the term, she noticed that the best pots – both technically and artistically – didn’t come from the quality group, they came from the quantity group. By making pot after pot after pot, they were learning, and adapting. They didn’t set out to make the best pots, yet they did. Meanwhile, the other half spent the semester aiming for perfection and falling short.

We succeed by trying and failing, not by striving for perfection. Perhaps persistence isn’t so much sticking with something as it is persistently improving.

“What you need to know about the next piece is contained in the last piece. – David Bayles & Ted Orland

quantity, creativitySource

Source and thanks to: Ken Norton’s essay – 10x, not 10%, Art & Fear by David Bayles, Ted Orland

Heidi, Girl of the alps

This Saturday, I thought I’d turn the clock back to a time 15 years ago. Every Saturday and Sunday, I used to tune into Cartoon Network to watch “Heidi” between 1pm-2pm. Heidi marked a very special memory for me. Heidi told the story of a little girl who found so much joy in the simple things – a green meadow, a breath of fresh air, and the beauty of nature. To this day, I love walking on grass, do my best to appreciate nature and enjoy the breath of fresh air. Heidi has a lot to do with all of this and many other quirks revolving nature. Her journey taught me not to take the smell of fresh air for granted.

I’ve searched online for the English version of the show many times since. As I was did this again a few days ago, I stumbled on the Wikipedia page of the show. While I knew it was a dubbed version of a Japanese anime cartoon, I learnt 2 interesting things. First, Heidi is touted as one of the major reasons for Japanese tourists visiting the Swiss alps. The second was an interesting snippet –

The entire series has been re-dubbed into English on two separate occasions — first in the late 1970s, when the series was shown in the Philippines, and again in 2001 for broadcast in India on Cartoon Network. Although this dub was done by the animation studio for airing in India, they never included the English audio on subsequent DVD releases. Interestingly, none of the DVD releases around the world have English subtitles on them either.

For some reason, the English version seems to be lost. In my searches, I stumbled on many others who’d seen the show on Cartoon Network asking about the show. I found the Japanese version with the English subtitles – it is definitely not the same. The dub was fantastic and Heidi’s voice still strikes a chord somewhere deep inside.

As I write this, I hope the English version will be found at some point. It was a beautiful show and is one I hope kids all over the world will get to enjoy and learn from. I certainly did.

HeidiSource

Benefits of laptop crashes

I have a love-hate relationship with Windows. There is more love than hate thanks to comfort bred by familiarity and Microsoft Office. Yes, yes, MS Office is available on a Mac but I don’t think it is nearly the same using Excel on a Mac.

The biggest reason for the hate part of the relationship is Windows Update. It has crashed my laptop twice in the past couple of years and caused all sorts of issues previously. For example, there was an automatic update to Windows 10 last week followed by a “critical update” that caused a crash. Windows has become better about Windows update linked issues and crashes over the years but there are still problems. And, to me, it speaks to the complexity of ensuring compatibility across devices produced by so many different manufacturers. When it comes to user experience, there are many benefits to complete vertical integration.

A bright side to these crashes is that I’ve learned to become very nimble when it comes to my data – thanks to a combination of Dropbox Pro for my files, Lastpass and Chrome sign in for all things browser, 2 Gmail accounts that bring together all personal email accounts, and the awesome Ninite installer, it takes me about an hour to get set up on a new laptop. Dropbox Pro deserves special credit as I even had a paid subscription to Crashplan before switching to Dropbox Pro. The Dropbox user experience is so much better.

I’ve learnt that I’m most attached to my laptop among my devices. I could comfortably go a few days without my phone but it is my laptop that makes me feel “in control.” So, these systems go a long way in making sure I don’t have too much trouble when things go south.

As the wise Rafiki says – “You can either run from it… or learn from it.”

laptop crashes, benefits, rafiki, learn from it,Source

 

Predictable ways

I noticed some behavior from a couple of folks I admire the other day and found myself saying – “Awesome people are awesome in very predictable ways.”

I was reminded of Tolstoy’s fantastic quote

All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

I think Tolstoy’s quote channels a central idea – to be happy and to do good requires you to live life in accordance to certain principles. As I wrote the other day, it is become increasingly apparent to me that the central principle that underlies all these principles is love. Building off Scott Peck’s definition of love as the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual mental/growth, happy families are willing to do the hard work required to love each other. This primarily means prioritizing each other, committing and re-committing to each other and giving each other the necessary amount of attention. This isn’t easy. But, it is the foundation on which happy families are built.

I’ve seen a similar thread from people I consider awesome – they care a whole lot about helping other people. That doesn’t mean they always say yes. Over time, they’ve learnt to say no to most requests as they’re focused either on their own work or saying yes to other requests that will likely benefit more folks. Their judgment is likely not perfect every time. But, it gets better. They get better. And, most importantly, they’re out there every day, hustling, smiling and giving it their best shot.

It is all very predictable. But, it isn’t easy to do. And, that’s what makes them awesome.

predictable, awesome