Month: June 2016

A few thoughts on relationships – the final MBA Learning

2 years ago, I began writing weekly posts under a category called “MBA Learnings.” I thought it’d be a great excuse to share what I’m taking away from my experience at graduate school. While some of these started out as lessons from the classroom, the series has evolved into a collection of mammoth posts that attempt to frame the experience (classroom lessons are part of regular posts). The hope with these posts – such as today’s note on relationships – is that they are applicable to life as much as they are to graduate school.

In a meeting with senior administrator at school yesterday, she wondered why many just “get through” the experience when there is so much more you can absorb. My thesis is that it is similar to life – it demands a clarity around priorities that only comes after a certain amount of thought. The following 6 links hope to frame the landscape to make the thinking process easier.

1. I’m in, Now what? – An attempt at helping you structure your transition to school once you are admitted.
2. Advice to an incoming student – A long “expectation setting” post that breaks life at school into a tension between 6 priorities
3. Designing for introversion – An introvert’s guide to thinking about the MBA experience
4. Lessons learnt from internship recruiting – Lessons + a guide to how to think about the summer before school. I have, since, written a more comprehensive guide to a job search.
5. The recruiting journey through self doubt – A few thoughts on dealing with the emotional aspects of the recruiting process.
6. Digging into my 1st year process – A reflection on how I approached my 1st year and what I learnt

This final learning is one that has been many years in the making. The reason I picked relationships for the final post is because it is never an easy topic to write about. To approach this, let’s first ask the question – why is it so much easier to make friends in high school and in college than at work? More folks have “best friends” from their college and high school days than from work. That isn’t to say it isn’t done. It just happens lesser than one might expect.

While youth and malleability are a factor, my sense is that high school and college allow for two important factors that help with forming deep relationships – shared experiences and slack time. Shared experiences are powerful in forming relationships. Hours and hours of slack time help deepen those bonds as you learn about the little things about each other. At work, while working in teams on intense projects often creates those shared experiences, it is less common to find work projects that result in plenty of slack time.

Graduate school lies somewhere in the middle – there are shared experiences if you take similar paths. But, that is a big if – there are very few students who would even have the same academic journey as you. And, slack time is rare if you decide to keep busy. There are many who will admit to never having been as busy at work as they have been at graduate school. But, and this is where things get complicated, you expect to build friendships the same way you did in your college or high school. You also expect to build out a “network” – whatever that means. So, the business school dream ends up becoming about walking out with this amazing portfolio of friends who will refer you to dream jobs and partners on your course to building that great global business. So, you might be tempted to attend every social event, every dinner, every evening at the bar and build that “network.” As you might imagine, all this gets overly strategic and stressful very quickly.

My recommendation would be to call bullshit on everything before you get started. This is hard to do because you have to discipline yourself to cut through the noise to get to what matters. I clearly remember a good few instances when I found that very difficult. The strategic intent involved with “building your network has irked me” from time to time. But, I’ve learnt to get over that. The key with environments that offer a lot of opportunities to find your own approach.

If I had to boil what I’ve learned about friendships in graduate school (and life?) into 3 things, they would be the following –

1. Understand your own priorities and align your actions based on those priorities. This gets down to the question – what really matters to you? Do you care about having a broad network of global friends? Or, do you care about having a solid group of 3-5 friends? Do you care that these friends are international or would you like all of them to have similar backgrounds? There isn’t a right answer here. The key is to be intentional and to be consistent with the kind of person you are.

For example, I care a lot about a few deep relationships and my hope with school was no different. I just cared a lot about having 3-4 friends at the end of the experience that I would have a relationship with. But, I was also interested in getting to know people and hearing their stories – something the school environment uniquely enables. So, I would set up time to go for walks with people. I’ve probably taken walks with 2-3 new people 1-on-1 on average nearly every school week over the past 2 years. Whenever someone suggested we should grab coffee, I’d take them out for a walk. But, when given a choice between depth vs. breadth, I would choose depth.

2. Engage deeply in some communities or maybe even create your own. Going back to the idea of combining shared experiences and slack time, activities or communities help with both. It doesn’t matter if it is the running club, band or entrepreneurship club – it matters that you engage in communities that you care about. These sorts of communities enable you to meet diverse people with whom you can build relationships based on shared values and beliefs.

You can also create your own little communities, of course. A couple of friends created an activity where they spent time with individuals doing an activity the individual loved. Another duo regularly hosted dinners where the conversations were based on meaningful themes. Another brought the same group of foodies together to eat at various restaurants. I was part of a group that showed up every Friday evening at a spot to discuss our lessons for the week.

Communities are especially important if you seek to build relationships with people different from you. Most relationships need to make their way from knowledge -> understanding -> trust. If you and I grew up in the same place, it is easier for us to understand each other and, then, to trust each other. But, if we’re from different continents, we need an excuse to really get to know each other and, slowly, understand each other. The flip side of this long process to understand each other is that the trust that emerges is one that, like all things hard earned, is very special.

3. Learn to let go – expectations are relationship killers. This is a general life lesson but one that is incredibly applicable to relationships. Expectations destroy relationships. All relationships are two way streets – it can only work if both sides are equally keen to make it work. When it works both ways, we aptly call it “chemistry” – because the reaction between the two produces an outcome that is different and better. But, it is hard to know when things work out well. It generally requires a lot of experimentation. Reactions also happen at different speeds – some are instant, some happen over a longer period of time.

My experience here is that you attract people based on who you are. If you are a person of good character, you attract people of good character. In the long run, it all works out. That doesn’t mean it is easy to let go in the short run. Whenever we put in the effort to give to people around us, it is really hard to say – “Hey, I’ve given this everything and did so because I cared. But, I don’t expect any reciprocation from the other end.” But, doing so makes life much happier. Just be patient with yourself – if my experience is anything to go by, this is something you’re always working toward. :-)

One last thing. Relationships are never easy. When we attempt to build them – whether it is a friend or a significant other – we have to give ourselves to people and choose to be willing to extend ourselves. This means coming face-to-face with our own insecurities and our desire to be loved. As is the case with these attempts, we will often meet with failure and breaches of trust. The takeaway from those experiences shouldn’t be to stop trusting altogether. It should be to get better at picking people.

We have many influences in this life – our diet, the information we consume, our environment, etc. – but probably none more so than those we spend time with. Every once a while, we will come across people who not only make us feel loved but also push us to be the best version of ourselves. When that happens, hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

In the end, all we have is each other…

relationships

OMTM for German publishers

OMTM stands for “one metric that matters.” Understanding the OMTM for a business is incredibly helpful in analyzing the impact of an initiative.

A collection of German publishers came together recently to create a pooled data set to help improve their ad targeting capabilities to be able to better compete against Facebook and Google. The CEO of the new platform had this to say – “Nobody is suffering more than publishers and sales houses in Germany, because they don’t have enough data, and their data silos will never be able to aggregate enough to come even close to Google and Facebook,” said Daniel Neuhaus, CEO of Emetriq. “Even now we’re pooling it; we’re still nowhere near but we’re getting closer in quality and quantity of data.”

He definitely deserves points for honesty. While I think this initiative makes 100% sense, I doubt it’ll do much to move the needle. And, it is easy to understand why when you understand “OMTM.” The OMTM for advertising is audience attention. The more time the audience spends on a platform, the better the advertising potential. The amount of time users spend on Facebook and its properties is only increasing. Couple this engagement with the increase in the number of daily active users on these properties and you begin to see why Facebook is being touted the killer of journalist business models. Google, on the other hand, benefits from being the perfect spot for direct ads as these depend on intent. If a user is searching for car dealerships in their town, it is likely they’re shopping for a car. In both these cases, the key is audience attention. Data helps. But, it is just the by product of a good product.

So, what should publishers do to really compete? Get better. Provide better, sticky content that will drive German consumers to their websites and have them stay longer. They need the sort of content that will encourage their audience to by-pass Google and Facebook and show up directly. Do that and the pooled data set will pay dividends. Else, it will just be a case of too little, too late.

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Over index on the intangible

If there is a number associated with something, our natural instinct will be to optimize it. All good mobile games understand this. Cut The Rope, Temple Run, Angry Birds, etc., are all about optimizing numbers – levels and overall scores.

tangible, numbers, intangible

The issue, of course, is that while we are spending hours optimizing our numbers on Angry Birds and Temple Run, there are a whole lot of other, more important things, that we are saying no to – important relationships, our health, our mental growth and development, etc. But, it is hard to recognize that until something breaks. Without numbers to mark progress, it takes a lot of focus and discipline to keep working away on the intangible.

My proposed solution is to over index on focusing on the intangible. Any time you see something hard to measure, spend extra time thinking about whether you should spend time investing on it. Yes, there will be some things that you should ignore. But, for the most part, you will find that the intangible stuff is what contributes to a lot of success and happiness in the long run. In school, that means going beyond grades to focus on learning the “soft skills.” In our companies, that means investing in building a great culture. In our careers, that means focusing on long term skill development over a short term pay raise. In our relationships, that means putting in effort to be thoughtful and caring. And, in our lives, it means spending time on activities that help us learn, grow and become better people.

Ben Horowitz once said – Management by numbers is like painting by numbers – it is strictly for amateurs. It isn’t all that different in our life.

Pay attention to the numbers, sure. But, remember to over index on focusing on the intangible stuff. That is difficult. The difficulty lies in the fact that intangibles don’t seem to pay off for the longest time.

Until they do.

IQ versus DOT

Growing up, we’re often told implicitly that raw intelligence/IQ or intelligence quotient is a big deal. There are, however, two things we aren’t told.

First, after a point, IQ actually doesn’t matter all that much. Some of the greatest scientists of all times didn’t possess high IQs.

Second, in a battle between raw intelligence and a combination of discipline, organization and thoughtfulness (let’s call them DOT), DOT nearly always wins. And, this is in every measure – from building a successful career to, perhaps the most important, having a good life.

And, the best part? IQ is something we are born with. Discipline, organization and thoughtfulness, on the other hand, are traits we build – much like building our biceps.

And, as far as muscles go, they don’t get more powerful than those.

Dithering and Constraints

This is my third attempt at a written blog post this morning. I’ve rejected at least three others in my head. The problem? The lack of obvious constraints.

I have an implicit deadline on most days to get the post of the day written. But, on a day off like today, there isn’t an obvious one. So, I dither. I keep trying to find the perfect post since I have that little bit of extra time.

Of course, there is no perfect post. And, creating the perfect post isn’t just about figuring it out in my head. Creating that post involves writing until I get it right. I might get that post after hours of deliberation. But, I would likely just cut a frustrated figure at having spent so much time attempting to write my learning for the day.

When we imagine happy lives, we often imagine lives without annoying constraints around money and time. But, as my experience with a lack of constraints shows, such a life would be full of dithering and without much creativity.

Constraints matter. If you find yourself stuck in a rut, it is perhaps worth wondering if having a few constraints (real or imaginary) might help get your creative juices flowing.

Creativity isn’t just about thinking out of the box. Most of the time, it is all about thinking on the edges of the box.

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Curing stomach ulcer – The 200 words project

Before the 20th century, stomach ulcer was not a respectable disease. As stress was the believed cause, Europe and America had health spas and quack treatments to cure ulcers.

Eventually doctors realized they could see the ulcers with X-ray machines, but these machines were in big cities like New York and London. So, doctors in those cities started identifying ulcers in urban businessmen who probably smoked a lot of cigarettes and had a high-pressure lifestyle. Stress again – it all fit.

In 1981, Doctors Warren and Marshall in Australia noticed that biopsies of ulcer and stomach cancer patients seemed to have bacteria called Helicobacter. Everybody who got stomach cancer developed it on a background of gastritis. And, when there was no Helicobacter, there was no gastritis. Despite initial apathy, they went on to prove that ulcers were caused by Helicobacter. And, they won the Nobel prize in 2004.

What makes this story is amazing is that there were other doctors who’d observed this before them. In every case, they dismissed the evidence as it went against the commonly held belief. In effect, Doctors Warren and Marshall won the Nobel prize for being open to evidence that contradicted their beliefs.

To gastroenterologists, the concept of a germ causing ulcers was like saying that the Earth is flat. After that I realized my paper was going to have difficulty being accepted. You think, “It’s science; it’s got to be accepted.” But it’s not an absolute given. The idea was too weird. – Dr Barry Marshall

ulcerImage Source: Discover Magazine, Ian Regnard

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Source and thanks to: Persuadable by Al Pitampalli, Discovery Magazine’s interview with Dr Marshall

Demonstrating gratitude

I had a moment yesterday when I asked myself a question – “What do I appreciate about the people I appreciate?”

A close someone suggested that the answer might be people who’d been through some kind of adversity. We discussed that for a bit. Getting through adversity was a proxy for strength of character. But, that wasn’t quite right.

After wrestling with this for a bit, the conclusion I came to was that it was all about people who were grateful for the experiences in this life and who cared about demonstrating their gratitude by doing good work. People who are grateful for the things that happen to them are not always very easy to find. (And, it is possible to link this to people who’ve experienced adversity of some sort. Going through difficult stuff often makes us more appreciative of the things that do end up working for us.)

demonstrating gratitude

But, in my experience, it is MUCH harder to find people who take that gratitude and do something about it. These folk realize how privileged they are and go out of the way to make their communities better. Just because they can. In giving to their communities, they embrace uncertainty, banish cynicism and just care enough to give whatever they do their best shot. And, as givers who give with purpose, they learn and grow tremendously from the process. Such people are special because they let their work do their talking. I love watching such folk in action, working with them, hanging out with them and then sharing stories of their work with anyone and everyone I meet.

It is one thing to be grateful. It is quite another thing to make that privilege count. So, when I find such people, I do my best to hold on tight.

Climb a cliff to get to school

cliff

cliff

The Atuler village in Sichuan is located in a remote location – so remote that traveling around can be very stressful. To get to school, students with backpacks need to climb an 800 meter rock face on rickety ladders and claw over rocks. The descent takes 90 minutes and doing this right is a matter of life and death – small mistakes can be very costly. It is too dangerous to do this every day – so, students only visit their families twice a month.

Today is my last day at graduate school. I can think of many moments in this life when I have been thankful for a a dollop of extraordinary luck. But, none more so than when I received my offers of acceptance to college and graduate school. I know there are many who say education isn’t as valuable it once was – and that’s true in many ways. However, I am yet to find a good substitute for high quality education and, in my case, both these acceptance letters led to incredibly rich experiences that I am very grateful for.

While there are a few things beyond luck that may have contributed to these opportunities, it is hard to look beyond making it past the lottery of birth and being born in a place that didn’t require me to scale an 800 meter cliff to get to school. In the absence of climbing a cliff to go to school, we could focus on growing up in an environment that focused on learning and play. Context shapes culture and the “this is what people like me do” norms.

This post isn’t one about poverty. There’s a lot that can be written about doing our bit to improve the context and access of a large portion of the world’s population. Instead, it is a reminder for us. If you are reading this, you, like me, likely didn’t have to have narrow brushes with death to go to school. That is such a privilege. Are we making the most of all this privilege and living lives that add value to this world?

Making our time here count here is not a choice. It is a responsibility.

Your human-size life

Seth had a nice post on blogs yesterday where he explained that, as the internet focuses on clicks, Facebook and Google have been doing a lot to make reading blogs harder. He said something that rings very true – reading more blogs is one of the best ways to become smarter, more effective and more engaged in what’s going on. Blogs are so much better than the news in many respects – and I have an example to share that illustrates just that. (Also, thanks, Seth, for sharing this blog..)

Dave Winer is the authors of one of the internet’s first blogs. He had a fantastic post on “Your human-size life” in which he takes a philosophical look at a piece of controversy around Peter Thiel and Gawker media. In short, Gawker published an article in 2007 announcing Peter Thiel’s homosexuality before Thiel had begun talking about it in public. It turns out Thiel has been plotting revenge for many years and, recently, Thiel was found to be funding lawsuits against Gawker that threaten the existence of the company. There are many sub plots here and Gawker is by no means innocent either. But, at the end of the day, this is one of the world’s richest people extracting revenge on a media outlet that pissed him off.

I am going to pick out my favorite pieces from Dave’s post – but I encourage you to go over and read the post in full.

One of the biggest mistakes rich people make is to try to live larger than a single human being can. A mathematical impossibility. You can buy a big house, but you can only sleep in one bedroom at a time. You can own twenty fantastic cars, airplanes and yachts, but you can only be in one at a time.

And it’s even worse than it appears — the struggle to live more than one life will fail, and it will make you feel like a failure, just as you felt before you made the money! So being rich does not mean success if your goal is to achieve immortal super-human-ness.

You can see that horrific struggle in Peter Thiel’s actions and statements. He says he’s going to live forever, and so will today’s college grads. And I assume in the back of his mind he’s also going to solve the problem of just getting one body to use. He will persevere and find a way to sleep in his San Francisco mansion and his New York penthouse at the same time. But here’s the problem — even if he achieves these goals, and of course he won’t — he still won’t be happy.

I can say this with some certainty because I’ve been down the road he’s on, and I got off. And I just watched. Watched as the super-rich of my generation got old and their arteries hardened. They got used to talking to servants, and having their asses kissed at all times, and never having to listen to anyone tell them they’re full of shit. I’m a few years older than Thiel, and if he had seen what I have seen, he wouldn’t be so happy about living forever.

I think we all need a struggle, I think that’s where our creativity comes from. We need something that feels unattainable, but actually is not. But the struggle to rise above our humanity, that’s not going to happen for any of us. And the desire to have it robs your very human life of any value.

Joe had it right. Live a gentle human-size life. Go for a walk in your middle-class neighborhood and run into a friend of a friend and share what you see, and influence their life for the better. That’s the kind of thing a human can do. And it is, imho, where happiness comes from.

Wonderfully deep.

Thank you, Dave, for your generosity.

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Big Bang vs. The Drip Part II

I wrote about the idea of the big bang vs. the drip the other day.

…we greatly over-estimate the effects of the big bang versus the drip. We love thinking of the big product launch, the epic road trip with friends, the huge award, the incredibly viral post, the prestigious letter of admission and the all-important round of funding. However, as a close friend put it, it isn’t the big decisions that change things. It is the collection of many many small decisions.

Great companies, strong relationships and people of character are built with consistent daily effort.

The timing of that post couldn’t have been better as I had a nice “big bang” event to illustrate the difference. I shared the “Leadership in 1 page” post on LinkedIn Publishing and it went viral. I love LinkedIn publishing for the occasional post as it can reach a lot of people. I thought this post, given it was a synthesis of many years of work, deserved that opportunity. As I write this, the post is closing in on 100,000 views with a proportional number of likes, shares and comments.

While I do love the fact that the learning reached 100,000 people, if one of my objectives was to broaden this blog’s reach (for new readers, it hardly ever is :-)), that post did very little. There are too many big bang events out there. Doing another one just adds to the noise. But, on the other hand, if we take a moment to talk about the drip, that post wouldn’t have existed if it wasn’t for the effort that went into understand these ideas over the years. Nearly every idea on that post has been blogged about here – that was just a synthesis. The daily drip of effort or slow burn is incredibly powerful.

This isn’t just a marketing lesson. I was amidst a long conversation with a friend yesterday about building worthwhile habits in our life. The lesson? Go for the slow burn. Don’t expect a big bang event that will suddenly transform your life into the ideal one. Instead, focus on one habit at a time and aim for gradual, continuous improvement.

I said this last time and will say again – in the final analysis, the big moments may be worthy of a place on the highlight reel. But, it is the constant drip of effort that will determine how long the highlight reel is.. and, perhaps most importantly, how happy we are when we look back and take stock.

The destination matters – but much lesser than we think. The journey, on the other hand, matters a lot more than we think. And, the journey is all about the drip, the slow burn.

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