Category: Everything else

I came across this post on Derek Sivers’ website.

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Don’t quote. Make it yours and say it yourself.

Which sounds better to you?

“In his best-selling book on behavioral science, Thinking, Fast and Slow, Nobel-prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman said, ‘Nothing in life is as important as you think it is when you are thinking about it.’.”

… or just saying it:

“Whatever’s on your mind is not as important as it seems.”

When I first started reading a lot of books, I started quoting them a lot. When bringing up an idea in conversation, first I would mention its source — the book, the title, the author, and the subject of the book — before finally saying the idea.

After far too many times hearing myself referencing this book and that book, always naming titles and authors, I realized it was a lot of unnecessary clutter. I could see my listeners waiting for me to get to the point. It was inconsiderate.

Then I started noticing how annoying it was to read books that do the same thing. It’s really common in these pop non-fiction books I like: “This person said this thing. That person said that thing.”

It got me wondering: Why don’t we just say the idea, instead of referencing and quoting it?

I think there are a few reasons:

1. It feels like stealing. It’s their idea, not mine. But all ideas come from somewhere. Maybe they were paraphrasing it from someone else.

2. School teaches us to reference. But we’re not trying to impress a teacher anymore. And every unnecessary fact dilutes our point.

3. By quoting someone else, we can easy disavow the idea if attacked. If someone says it’s wrong, we can avoid responsibility and say, “Don’t look at me! It’s his idea, not mine!”
So instead, I go the other way now.

If I hear an idea, have considered it, and integrated it into my beliefs, it’s mine. I’ll say it succinctly in my own words, and stand behind it. Like adopting a child, I will take care of this idea and raise it as my own. If anyone wants to know the source, I’ll be happy to tell them.

I highly recommend this. Stop referencing. Stop quoting. Paraphrase. Internalize it. Make it yours. Tell me what you think, not what someone else thinks.

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I recognize the irony of starting the post with a hat tip to Derek. :-)

That said, the note really resonated. I’ve tried to attribute quotes and anecdotes for as long as I can remember. So, the simplicity of his approach to sharing them sounded liberating.

I’m not sure I’ll stop attributing quotes and anecdotes entirely – at least not anytime soon. But, this may be the start of becoming less obsessive about it.

That, in itself, would be a great place to start.

Antifragility – systems that increase their ability to thrive as a result of stressors, shocks, volatility, noise, mistakes, faults, attacks, or failures – is a word that’s been on my mind of late.

On a daily basis, we face unexpected volatility, failures, and mistakes. Facing these twists and turns with courage and confidence and approaching every day with thoughtfulness, gratitude, and grace points to strong character and a life well lived.

All of these only happen consistently when we embrace antifragility.

They happen when we habitually squeeze learning out of every new experience (whether good or bad) and ensure we keep getting better.

Antifragility is both a powerful and inspiring idea.. one to think about the next time we find ourselves down or disheartened by some unexpected twist.

The 4 minute mile was considered impossible until Roger Bannister ran it. Once he did, many followed suit.

For more than half a century, finishing a marathon in less than 2 hours was considered an insurmountable barrier. This weekend, Eliud Kipchoge did a Roger Bannister and proved that it can be done.

While it remains to be seen if his achievement will have the same effect on marathon runners as Roger Bannister did, it did make me wonder about how often we limit ourselves by setting arbitrary mental limits on how much we can do.

It probably happens more often than we think.

Two commitments to make to ourselves over the weekend –

1. If we have the option, we’ll disconnect from work and spend time with ourselves and those we love

2. When we spend this time, we’ll do so by paying full attention. Not the “I’ll check my phone every time I have a spare minute” sort of attention. Instead, it’ll be the “I have no idea where my phone is right now” sort of attention.

Time and attention is the truest manifestation of our love. Here’s to making sure we give plenty of that to ourselves and those around us this weekend.

Much of figuring out how to change behavior is to stop attempting to change behavior and to start understanding the incentives driving that behavior instead.

It is easy to spend many hours in the pursuit of trying to set the record straight with others.

Over time, we come to realize that such pursuits are useless because, it turns out, we don’t have to set the record straight with everyone.

We just need to do so with ourselves.

We moved into a new place a few weeks ago. On the night before our move, I went over with a few bags of stuff. And, as I turned on the lights, it struck me that the place felt eerie and quiet.

It still felt like a house – not a home.

We moved in the next day. And, within 24 hours, the same house underwent a transformation. The house felt like the home we had decided to move into.

I had two reflections from this experience.

The first is that home is where the people are.

And, the second is a point Nassim Taleb makes in his book “Skin in the Game” about how rich folks are sold on the idea of buying houses that are far too big for them. As a result, these houses only make them feel lonely and unhappy. As highly social creatures, we love warm spaces that we can share with people we love. So, homes with just enough space to enjoy spending time with the people we love are the way to go.

There’s something to that.

Confidence doesn’t arise in the absence of insecurities or a lack of awareness of the challenges in our way.

Instead, it arises from attempting to make progress despite these insecurities and challenges and from the knowledge that “this might not work… and that’s okay.”

On occasion, I find myself going down the rabbit hole of “what will she/he think of that embarrassing mistake I made?”

I make progress when I remind myself that she spends as much of her free time thinking about my embarrassing mistakes as I spend thinking of hers.

Which is to say.. not much.

So, as a friend once advised – “keep going, keep growing.”

Here’s to that.

On most days, there are plenty of reasons to be down about something.

There’s no dearth of depressing news – something messed up is happening somewhere. There’s probably someone at work who’d rather not have you around. There’s that friend or family member who is busy stirring up unnecessary trouble.

Any one of these things can linger. A cocktail of these mixed with some unexpected bad luck can easily ruin a day.

The opposite is also true of course.

There’s positive news – progress is often being made on the things that matter. There are folks at work who adore you. And, there are family members and friend who are grateful for your presence. There’s also that beautiful flower that just bloomed nearby and the smell of that fresh grass that’s intoxicating. And, lest we forget, those special hugs from those we live with.

We wake up every day with the ability to choose where we want to direct our attention. So, our day is whatever we make of it.

Let’s make it worthwhile.