Category: Everything else

Reframing mistakes

We tried something for the first time recently. We made a couple of mistakes in the process.

Just as we began talking about these mistakes, we chose to refer to them as learning. It was our first time – we were bound to make a few mistakes.

It is amazing how such a simple reframing changed the narrative and the tone of the conversation. It went from useless speculation about how we made the mistakes to what we needed to do the next time. From blame to constructive discussion in an instant.

If the narrative isn’t working for us, it might just be time to change it.

I don’t mind what happens

There’s a lovely anecdote from a talk by the late Jiddu Krishnamurthi, a spiritual teacher, shared by the writer Jim Dreaver.

Part way through this particular talk, Krishnamurti suddenly paused, leaned forward, and said, almost conspiratorially, “Do you want to know what my secret is?” Almost as though we were one body we sat up, even more alert than we had been, if that was possible. I could see people all around me lean forward, their ears straining and their mouths slowly opening in hushed anticipation.

Krishnamurti rarely ever talked about himself or his own process, and now he was about to give us his secret! He was in many ways a mountaintop teacher—somewhat distant, aloof, seemingly unapproachable, unless you were part of his inner circle. Yet that’s why we came to Ojai every spring, to see if we could find out just what his secret was. We wanted to know how he managed to be so aware and enlightened, while we struggled with conflict and our numerous problems.

There was a silence. Then he said in a soft, almost shy voice, “You see, I don’t mind what happens.”

So much of learning to live better is learning to make peace with what we don’t control.

It resonated.

Discipline during breaks

Growing up, I associated discipline with things that sounded like work – study, exercise, etc.

Discipline matters at work of course – it defines our work ethic.

But I’ve since come to appreciate the importance of discipline in relation to breaks as well. Prioritizing breaks and making sure we’re switching off and staying present in our break is also discipline that counts.

Now more than ever.

Remember who brung ya to the dance

Ramanan Raghavendran shared a lovely post on his blog titled – “Remember who brung ya to the dance.” Below are a few excerpts.

In life — work, home, relationships of all kinds — there are people who “brung ya to the dance.” Sometimes we forget them, and this is a mistake. It is essential to remember them, both because gratitude is a noble emotion and so you are mindful about paying it forward.

All kinds of people have brung me to various dances along the way. Many of them are, to my great good fortune, still in my life.

There is the admissions officer who admitted me to Penn 35 years ago. There is the classmate who single-handedly got me through a hairy course junior year. There is the colleague who made the crucial introduction nearly 30 years ago that got me into the VC business. There is the recruiter who found me a position that landed me on my feet after a disastrous turn in my career.

When we achieve some modest measure of success, it can be very easy to forget how much luck is involved, at crucial moments. And behind that luck, always, is a human being who made a decision or an intervention in your favor.

It isn’t necessarily some earth-shattering decision. It is often not something viewed as a favor by the person making the intervention. For example, that recruiter I mentioned — he was just doing his job.

But “doing his job” resulted in a complete transformation of my life’s trajectory. Without him, things would be very, very different.

Remember all these people, and if you can, hold them close.

They brung you to the dance, and without them, it’d be a very different dance.

It resonated.

Why are successful people so lonely?

Author and researcher Arthur Brooks had a fascinating take in a conversation with Dan Pink (~3 min video). Below is my paraphrased version.

The reason is not the number of friends. It is the type of friends. Specifically, do you have real friends or deal friends?

Deal friends are the people who can help you in a transactional way and they probably do care about you, and you probably do like them.

Real friends are the people that might call you at 2 o clock in the morning in a crisis. This is somebody that you might share the intimate details of your romantic life with without feeling weird about it or without feeling it might be divulged to a whole bunch of people.

Think of the 5 people you are closest to. Now ask yourself – “How many of these are deal friends vs. real friends?“

A simple way to find out – deal friends are useful to you to further your career. Real friends are “useless.”

So, if all your top 5 friends are deal friends, good for your career. But, it also means you need to start doing the work to find real friends.

Fascinating take.

Reflections from health setbacks

A good friend is working through a couple of health setbacks. He was reflecting on some of the lessons he’s been taking away from this experience. 4 lessons rose to the top:

(1) Self-care should be our #1 priority. It is amazing how everything pales when we face a health setback. Make health your priority… or you’ll be forced to do so in more challenging circumstances.

(2) Seek second (and even third) opinions for painful problems. Lines are better indicators than dots (single datapoints).

(3) Even amidst challenges, we are often privileged enough to be recipients of care, kindness, and support. There’s a lot to be grateful for. Make sure to take stock from time to time.

(4) Prioritize strength training.

Sage advice.

Romance is theory

“Romance is theory, love is practice” | Arjun’s blog

I thought this was a beautiful encapsulation of how love – the real thing – takes work.

While written with partners in mind, this is equally applicable to how we deal with ourselves and to ideas that we get excited about.

It is easy, for example, to get excited about a new year resolution. But it takes a lot more than that excitement to put in the work. Every single day for 365 days.

Romance is “easy come, easy go.”

The work begins when we commit to the practice.

It is why love – of any kind – is hard. And powerful.

Amir, Sam, and excuses

I decided to try a workout from a trainer I hadn’t seen yet on Apple Fitness+ yesterday – it was a 10 min total body workout by Amir.

I was tired and was dragging my feet on working out. Until the video began to play.

It turned out Amir was an amputee. He’d lost his left leg in an accident, managed to fit a prosthetic leg four years later, and decided to make the most of his second chance by becoming a fitness trainer.

Seeing Amir on the screen felt like the universe asking me – “What’s your excuse again?”

It reminded me of how I felt another day when I realized the trainer, Sam, was many months pregnant.

“What’s your excuse again?”

I had none.

Thanks for the reminder, Amir and Betina.