Category: Everything else

Hypocrite

Stephen Covey’s kids shared a story about a time when they were all criticizing the (then) candidate for US President. He sat silent through the criticism. Finally, one of the kids asked him why he wasn’t participating. He said – “I might have a chance to influence him one day. And if I do, then I don’t want to be a hypocrite.”

Recently, The New York Times reported that Facebook was developing a tool designed to suppress updates from certain parts of China. I found hypocrisy all around that piece of news. There was implied American moral superiority in the press at the idea of suppressing citizen views. Yet, as Edward Snowden and the recent elections have demonstrated, America has little reason to claim higher ground. Then, I saw posts from other technology entrepreneurs criticizing Mark Zuckerberg. But, would they have behaved any different if they were in Zuckerberg’s shoes? And, finally, Zuckerberg himself seemed to claim that this was Facebook acting for the greater good. I guess we all have to tell ourselves stories…

I thought I’d call this out not just because it was amusing looking at this situation from the sidelines. But, also because it made me think about the many occasions in which I was the hypocrite.

It is hard to see it when you are in it.

There is no easy way around this. The only way to avoid this is to have incredibly high standards for integrity – where we take the initiative to make commitments and keep them, every single time.

I just hope I’ll be able to build the sort of character to be able to do what Covey did, consistently. Integrity is a habit.

Cosco ball

A long-time close friend and I were playing tennis this morning when we opened up a new pack of 3 tennis balls. Now, a new tennis ball with its shine and smoothness is a thing of beauty. As we grinned at each other, I asked him if he remembered a time when we used to be so excited about a 25 rupee Cosco ball. He did.

We used to play cricket in the streets of Chennai city growing up. And, new tennis balls were a treasure. Every few weeks, one of us would get permission from our parents to buy a new Cosco ball. Each ball cost 25 rupees. And, we would play till these balls broke. By that stage, the ball would have lost its entire exterior “fur” and all that would remain would be a dark green core. So, every new ball was a treat.

We are still stingy with opening up new tennis balls when we play tennis today. However, we are at a stage in our life when affording a new tennis ball is a non issue. Somewhere along the way, thanks to a combination of a tremendous amount of luck, some hard work and intention, things have changed. It sounds like a small thing. But, I recognize it is a really big deal.

We’re at an interesting point in our history as human beings. I am of the belief that we have two big challenges that lie ahead. First, we need to figure out how we can live on this planet in a more sustainable manner. Second, we need to figure out what we will all do as machines take away more and more of our jobs. The second issue is staring all of us in our faces as discontent around this has fueled the rise of populism in many places around the world. These are important questions and the answers to them are unclear.

One the one hand, I hope it’ll become clearer to me as to how I can play a role in helping solve these big problems. It isn’t, as yet. On the other, I take these thoughts about the big problems we face in combination with my realization about those Cosco tennis balls as a good reminder to banish any kind of complaining in my life. I may face challenges on a day to day basis. But, these aren’t really problems.

So, this thanksgiving, I am very thankful for being able to afford those tennis balls. It is a real privilege to be able to take a day off without too many worries and to play. I recognize there is a lot of good work to be done to make things better for all of humanity. But, the first step is to recognize and appreciate this privilege. And, the second step is to accept that with great privilege comes great responsibility.

Onward.

Happy thanksgiving.

Cause or alchemy

We can regularly default to believing things happen because of some cause or because of a result of some alchemy. There’s merit to both approaches.

When we explain every little thing as the result of a cause, we’re able to understand how to influence the world around us. “Why are you feeling good today? Because I took good care of myself over the past month and slept well last night.” “Why is the business doing well? Because we hired a great team and trained them to do their jobs well.” And so on. The flip side of these explanations is that they’re regularly too simplistic and often boring.

On the other hand, explaining everything as an alchemy makes it all feel like magic. “I don’t quite know how it all works that way. Of course, we brought together a great team and trained them well. But, the way they work together and make our business run is magic.” While a fascinating way to approach life (since it calls out every day miracles), it has its issues when overdone. We can easily bring ourselves to focus on everything we don’t control.

As with most such choices, there’s tremendous wisdom in the middle ground. Make sure we understand the causes while also appreciating the alchemy. There’s definitely plenty we influence. But, once we do our bit, there’s also plenty of magic in our daily lives.

We just have to learn to look for both.

Does it help

As you walk into that meeting today, there’s a narrative inside your head. This narrative is about the meeting and the people in it. It is worth asking – “Does it help?”

There probably was a narrative as you woke up this morning as well. That narrative covered your family, your day and your default frame of mind.

And, there will also be a narrative as you walk into your desk at work today. This one will talk about your perceived role in your organization and your capacity to do things that matter. Did it help you walk in energized?

Narratives are critical. They drive a collection of default behaviors executed in a certain pattern every week. Since it is hard to be conscious 100% of the time, life would be difficult if it weren’t for our these default behaviors. So, we make it easy for ourselves with simplifying narratives.

But, and the but matters, these simplifying narratives aren’t representative of reality. In fact, it is hard for us to identify that reality given our various biases. Besides, we’re capable of manufacturing both intense happiness and sadness inside our heads.

So, a nice way forward is to simply treat the narrative as a tool by asking – “Does it help?”

If it helps us stay inspired and happy, great. On the other hand, if it only brings out the worst in us, change it.

We can.

To know, to learn

To know and not to do is not to know.

To learn and not to apply is not to learn.

There is no difference between a person who doesn’t read and one who can’t.

Sometimes, it helps to get the terminology cleared up. We often claim to know or to learn much more often than we probably should.

I certainly am guilty of that.

One lie

We’ve all likely lied in our lifetime. I certainly lied a ton when I was a kid and then a few times as an adult. Someone dear to me once said – “Just be honest. If you start with one lie, you’ll need a hundred others to cover up.”

It is a line that has proven true time and time again. Lying wraps us in a quagmire as it makes things incredibly complicated. We need to be careful, watch every step, and make sure we never say anything inconsistent. It requires constant focus to keep up a false story.

Clay Christensen, in his wonderful book “How Will You Measure Your Life?,” said there is no such thing as 99% honest. He didn’t allow for any slack. You were either honest or not.

I’ve attempted to take this approach to life to heart. And, it still cracks people who know me well up. I don’t say “yes” to the casual – “We should grab coffee sometime.” I have actually stopped saying that line. If I say “yes,” I make sure I put time on the other person’s calendar for coffee. Here’s why – the next time I see that person, I won’t have to come up with some white lie about why we didn’t catch up. I also wouldn’t have reneged on a verbal commitment. Honesty and integrity win.

I get that saying “yes, absolutely” to social nice-ities and not following up is normal. But, I find that the long run cost of such flimsy commitments is actually very high. We get used to not keeping small promises. And, we get used to small white lies and a few other lies to cover up. At what point does a lie or a promise get big enough to warrant serious attention, then?

Hence my promise to myself – no flimsy promises and no white lies. And, by extension, no bullshit. If I say something, I will do my best to follow up. It’s been a simple, liberating and happy approach to life with a conspicuous absence of baggage. Long may that continue. And, long may we all avoid starting with one lie…

Guilt and Shame

Guilt is when we feel we have done something bad.

Shame is when we feel we are bad.

Every once a while, guilt can be useful as it pushes us to take action and right things we’ve done wrong. Shame, on the other hand, does nothing constructive. First, it paralyzes us. Then, it goes on to mess with our sense of self-worth.

It is a fine line between a scolding that says – “Your actions created a mess” – and – “You are a mess.” But, that fine line is capable of inflicting a large amount of damage. I know someone who was made to wear a sign on their chest and walk around in public for a few days in return for a mistake they made. While the purpose may have been to guilt them, this had shame written all over it.

Good people do bad or mean things every once a while. This is especially true for kids who are still to understand the difference. Making them feel shame, sadly, is a self fulfilling prophecy.

Now that we know the difference, we will hopefully recognize it when we see it around us. Most importantly, we’ll be able to use the difference to make sure we steer clear of shaming in our lifetime.

—
HT: Brene Brown

And that’s okay

There’s an important line of self talk before you embark on a new project. The first part of it is acknowledging “This might not work.” And, the second part is saying “And that’s okay.”

This might not work is the acknowledgment that what we’re doing is an experiment. And, experiments may or may not work. “Might” is the key word in that phrase. “Might” acknowledges that tension that requires us to have the courage to dare, to go out on a limb.

But, “this might not work” alone is incomplete. “And that’s okay” is a key half of the puzzle. It requires us to have the confidence to look the “might” in the eye and say – “I’ll be fine.” It asks us to accept that troubles, when they appear, will pass – like water under a bridge.

This complete phrase has a liberating effect. It tells us that we are a lot more than what we do. It helps us grasp the difference between states and feelings. We can feel the disappointment of a defeat and, yet, be content, happy even. We might feel the joy of victory but, yet, enjoy the equanimity.

Rudyard Kipling, in his wonderful poem, “If” said –
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

If, indeed. It is the sort of game changer that makes it worth a try.

This might not work. And that’s okay.

—
HT: Seth, for introducing me to “This might not work.”

Beavers and rabbits

In 1946, members of the Argentinian navy released 10 beavers to enrich the ecosystem and perhaps kick start the fur trade. Now, beavers have wrecked havoc in Argentina for decades. Unlike trees in North America, trees in South America die when beavers sink their teeth into them. Without a natural predator, they are now a hundred thousand strong. And, Argentina has declared a war on beavers

Australia faced a similar problem when 6 rabbits were introduced for hunting. Rabbits turned out to be an invasive species in Australia.

The obvious lesson here is to beware messing with the delicate balance in nature. There are two other less obvious ones.

First, small things have the ability to mess with the balance in an ecosystem. Nice organizational cultures have been destroyed by a few bad hires. Introduce one person who enjoys politicking more than doing the work and you might not notice much change. However, bring a few and it’ll soon affect the ecosystem.

On the flip side, you might also find yourself in environments where you are the invasive species. In an environment that thrives on the fact nobody asks questions, asking questions might result in the environment rejecting you.

Pay attention to the environment. Some adapt, others don’t. And, while some will work well for you, others won’t. Make sure you choose. And, once you make your choice, pay attention to the changes it undergoes. A change in your environment is sure to have an impact on your life and happiness.

Long held assumptions

We all have long held assumptions.

In my case, from when I was a child, I was told that I must have a fast metabolism. I think it is common to tell folks who remains thin while having a good appetite that that must be the reason. And, I never questioned it.

Over time, it morphed into a fact in my mind. It was no longer just an assumption. This is classic availability bias – you hear it so many times that you start believing it is the true.

A few weeks back, I had the opportunity to take a test to figure out my resting metabolism rate (or RMR). And, my report after the test told me that I was on the lower end of average for my comparison group. Not just average. Below average.

That test reinforced a bunch of powerful lessons. First, it reminded me of the dangers of confusing long held assumptions and facts. Second, testing this long held assumption with a $50 investment was particularly useful. It will help me manage my diet and my weight over time so much better. So, do test your long held assumptions when possible.

Finally, it also beautifully illustrated a fact that we all probably know somewhere deep inside. When it comes to burning calories, exercise isn’t anywhere as effective as leading an active, healthy life. While exercise helps us build muscle and improve our ability to burn calories and be active, there is no substitute to activity through the day. Small decisions like standing during meetings, taking the stairs, walking more often make a bigger difference over the long run than exercise.

Seek out those long held assumptions. They make up our default setting.