Remember who brung ya to the dance

Ramanan Raghavendran shared a lovely post on his blog titled – “Remember who brung ya to the dance.” Below are a few excerpts.

In life — work, home, relationships of all kinds — there are people who “brung ya to the dance.” Sometimes we forget them, and this is a mistake. It is essential to remember them, both because gratitude is a noble emotion and so you are mindful about paying it forward.

All kinds of people have brung me to various dances along the way. Many of them are, to my great good fortune, still in my life.

There is the admissions officer who admitted me to Penn 35 years ago. There is the classmate who single-handedly got me through a hairy course junior year. There is the colleague who made the crucial introduction nearly 30 years ago that got me into the VC business. There is the recruiter who found me a position that landed me on my feet after a disastrous turn in my career.

When we achieve some modest measure of success, it can be very easy to forget how much luck is involved, at crucial moments. And behind that luck, always, is a human being who made a decision or an intervention in your favor.

It isn’t necessarily some earth-shattering decision. It is often not something viewed as a favor by the person making the intervention. For example, that recruiter I mentioned — he was just doing his job.

But “doing his job” resulted in a complete transformation of my life’s trajectory. Without him, things would be very, very different.

Remember all these people, and if you can, hold them close.

They brung you to the dance, and without them, it’d be a very different dance.

It resonated.

Why are successful people so lonely?

Author and researcher Arthur Brooks had a fascinating take in a conversation with Dan Pink (~3 min video). Below is my paraphrased version.

The reason is not the number of friends. It is the type of friends. Specifically, do you have real friends or deal friends?

Deal friends are the people who can help you in a transactional way and they probably do care about you, and you probably do like them.

Real friends are the people that might call you at 2 o clock in the morning in a crisis. This is somebody that you might share the intimate details of your romantic life with without feeling weird about it or without feeling it might be divulged to a whole bunch of people.

Think of the 5 people you are closest to. Now ask yourself – “How many of these are deal friends vs. real friends?

A simple way to find out – deal friends are useful to you to further your career. Real friends are “useless.”

So, if all your top 5 friends are deal friends, good for your career. But, it also means you need to start doing the work to find real friends.

Fascinating take.

Kick Offs feat. the 2 dysfunctions of a Product team

A note for new subscribers: This post is part of a series on my notes on technology product management (this is what I do for a living). You might notice that these posts often link to older posts in the series on LinkedIn even though they are all available on this blog. That is intended for folks who only want to follow future product management related posts. Finally, for all those of you who don’t build tech products for a living, I believe many of these notes have broader applicability. And, I hope you find that to be the case as well…

A quick overview of what we’ve covered on “Notes on Product Management” so far – 


Every few months/quarters in our time as Product Managers, we will find ourselves working on new problems with new groups of people. This can happen due to a multitude of reasons – change in scope/focus, new strategic priority, new data, and so on. Some of these are better reasons than others. Regardless, it is inevitable we will find ourselves in situations where we work on new projects with new sets of people. 

The two dysfunctions of a product team

The default way of working is to just get on with it. We get a few of our close partners together, begin writing up a doc, schedule a brainstorm or two along the way, and bring people along as and when we realize we need to do it.  

This default way of working is also suboptimal because it doesn’t address the two most common dysfunctions in a product team – 

No alt text provided for this image

(1) Absence of shared context. Everyone in the product team is paid to make decisions. It is impossible to make good decisions when you are missing context. A simple test – can everyone on the team confidently articulate the problem statement, our desired solution, and the key data points that give us conviction in our approach?

 (2) A lack of trust and a resulting deep care for the work and for each other. If people in the team don’t trust others to make the right decisions, we’re going to frequently find ourselves in decision making bottlenecks that get in the way of progress. A simple test – would your Eng/Design/Data/Marketing partners trust you to make the right calls on their behalf? Would you do the same?

It is tempting to think of product teams as complicated organisms with unique sets of dysfunctions. But, when we’re dealing with dysfunctional product teams, you’ll find that it nearly always comes down to one or both of these dysfunctions.

It is rarely about the politics of the situation or that one problematic character. While it helps if you’ve got a group of individuals who all get along, we rarely have that luxury. Product teams are fluid, and it helps to build muscles to be able to make the best out of most situations we are in. When in trouble and in doubt, look for an absence of shared context and trust/deep care.

So, what’s the solution?

Let’s start with the disclaimer – there is no guaranteed solution to all problems in life. We all have our own unique situations.

But, that said, there are two things we can do every time we find ourselves working on a new project/team that will solve these problems ~90% of the time:

(1) Start the collaboration with an effective Kick off (this post)

(2) Run effective weekly/bi-weekly update meetings (next post)

This is both ridiculously simple and hard. Simple because it is easy to know we should do it. Hard because it requires discipline to make the time to invest in these. It is always tempting to skip the Kick Off to make immediate progress. But that progress is always fleeting.

The 3 elements of an effective Kick Off meeting

No alt text provided for this image

An effective kick-off meeting has 3 elements:

(1) Get to know each other – deeply: We start by spending time getting to know each other. That knowledge will help accelerate our ability to understand each other and build trust.

 (2) Understand context: This covers the “why” we’re starting on this project (typically business context) and time spent to understand user problems and the current solutions (if any).

 (3) Get creative juices flowing with a brainstorm: Understand what is on everyone’s mind and tease the possibilities ahead. 

Let’s now dig into each of these.

(1) Get to know each other – deeply

I have a go-to “get to know” activity I’ll recommend as an example.

No alt text provided for this image
  • Break the group into pairs – ideally pairs of folks who don’t know each other that well.
  • Give each pair between 10-14 minutes (5-7 mins each) to get to know each other. Before they go out, remind them that we don’t care about their work history/resume story. We’d love to understand what makes them tick and their quirks. This is all about going deep.
  • They will then need to come back and cross-introduce their partners.
  • When they come back, just go around the room and have every person cross-introduce their partners.

At this point, we’ll already start to see something special emerge. We’ll often hear people saying – “Wow – I didn’t know this about you despite working with you for 3 years!” or “That’s crazy. Me too!” It is also lovely to hear someone else replay what they understood and felt. 

It is nice to keep these organic – e.g., encourage others in the room who know the person to add what they know. When these evolve into a celebration of the people in the room, the atmosphere can feel magical.

This activity can take between 1-2 hours depending on the size of the group. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it is to not cut this short. In the long run, this 1-2 hour investment is among the most important investments we will make. 

(2) Understand context

No alt text provided for this image

There are 4 kinds of context that are helpful to share (keep this to 1-2 slides per type for simplicity):

(a) Why/business context. Help everyone understand why this project or team exists. This is typically thanks to some combination of business objective and user problem. It is good to talk about both.

(b) Qualitative understanding of the user (research): Share a synthesis of all the qualitative user research available. A good kick-off meeting is creating in partnership with the team. And this is a great opportunity to prep with our design, user research, and marketing partners.

It is also a great opportunity to build empathy for our users. Having any clips/recordings of impactful user interviews go a long way in grounding the group.

(c) Quantitative understanding of the user (data): Share a synthesis of any data available on the user. This includes dashboards that measure user data, past experiments, or analyses. Again, this is an opportunity to prep with our data partners.

(d) Technology challenges: If possible, it is also great to give folks an overview of any key technology challenges/hurdles we might need to solve for. 

(3) Get creative juices flowing with a brainstorm

Again, I have a simple formula I’d recommend:

No alt text provided for this image
  • Give every 5 mins to think about a prompt like – what do you think are the most important problems we need to solve for our user?
  • After everyone has written their ideas, breakout into groups of 3-4 to discuss for 15 mins. During this time, the group needs to align on the top 2-3 problems that rise to the top.
  • Then, get every group to share the top problems and any context from their discussion. Write them all out on a board/shared spreadsheet (if remote).
  • Finally, ask every person to cast up to 2 votes on the problem that resonates most with them.  

At this point, this exercise would have given everyone a taste of working with each other, previewed the possibilities ahead, and hopefully gotten them excited.

9 times out of 10, a group with the same shared context arrives at the same set of conclusions. That early alignment then gives us the opportunity to begin writing our shared strategy doc/product spec.


Here are 2 resources that might help bring this to life –

  • Kick off meeting slide deck: It outlines the above structure. Important to call out here that the tactics (e.g., the get to know each other exercise outlined above) matters far less than the reason for doing so (shared context, deep trust/care)
  • Brainstorm voting sheet: The act of getting the group to align on what matters is critical to making progress. A brainstorm with a set of unprioritized ideas is a failed brainstorm.


This was a detailed dive into what a good kickoff meeting looks like. Done well, this single exercise provides enough positive momentum to move the team forward together for months. It helps ensure we start a collaboration with shared context and an understanding of each other which provides the foundations for trust.  

A great kickoff won’t permanently keep the dysfunctions at bay. The next step to build on a successful kick-off is to run effective weekly meetings. More on that in the next post. 

Reflections from health setbacks

A good friend is working through a couple of health setbacks. He was reflecting on some of the lessons he’s been taking away from this experience. 4 lessons rose to the top:

(1) Self-care should be our #1 priority. It is amazing how everything pales when we face a health setback. Make health your priority… or you’ll be forced to do so in more challenging circumstances.

(2) Seek second (and even third) opinions for painful problems. Lines are better indicators than dots (single datapoints).

(3) Even amidst challenges, we are often privileged enough to be recipients of care, kindness, and support. There’s a lot to be grateful for. Make sure to take stock from time to time.

(4) Prioritize strength training.

Sage advice.

Romance is theory

“Romance is theory, love is practice” | Arjun’s blog

I thought this was a beautiful encapsulation of how love – the real thing – takes work.

While written with partners in mind, this is equally applicable to how we deal with ourselves and to ideas that we get excited about.

It is easy, for example, to get excited about a new year resolution. But it takes a lot more than that excitement to put in the work. Every single day for 365 days.

Romance is “easy come, easy go.”

The work begins when we commit to the practice.

It is why love – of any kind – is hard. And powerful.

Amir, Sam, and excuses

I decided to try a workout from a trainer I hadn’t seen yet on Apple Fitness+ yesterday – it was a 10 min total body workout by Amir.

I was tired and was dragging my feet on working out. Until the video began to play.

It turned out Amir was an amputee. He’d lost his left leg in an accident, managed to fit a prosthetic leg four years later, and decided to make the most of his second chance by becoming a fitness trainer.

Seeing Amir on the screen felt like the universe asking me – “What’s your excuse again?”

It reminded me of how I felt another day when I realized the trainer, Sam, was many months pregnant.

“What’s your excuse again?”

I had none.

Thanks for the reminder, Amir and Betina.

Wasting emotions

An important skill in our pursuit of progress is learning not to waste any emotional space when we inevitably take a few steps back or sideways.

The word progress inspires images of linear forward motion.

It is anything but.

Progress is NOT a straight line! - B3 Gym - CrossFit in Gainesville

This illustration captures it brilliantly. Credit to whoever came up with it.


The original Latin word for “decide”, decidere, means “to cut off,” as in slicing away alternatives; it’s a close cousin of words like “homicide” and “suicide.” | Oliver Burkeman in Four Thousand Weeks

It is always fascinating to understand the origin of a word. The power of making a decision lies in its ability to cut off options.

This origin story is a great reminder of that.