Month: January 2014

There’s a lovely story of a father and son sitting in the garden. The father points to the sparrow and asks “what is that?”
“A sparrow, dad.” – the son replies before getting back to what he’s reading.

The father repeats the question. The son attributes it to old age and repeats.

This happens five times and by the fifth time, the son is annoyed and screams at his father.

Once they’re home, the son helps his father back to his room. He notices a few diaries in the book shelf, opens them up, and begin reading. As he flips through the pages, he finds a page called “Sparrow.” It said – “Today, my son asked me what a sparrow is twenty five times. I made sure I never got angry or impatient – instead, I gave him a loving hug every time he asked me the question.”

The son had tears in his eyes as he gave his father a hug and apologized for his behaviour.

I was reminded this story as I sensed myself getting impatient last night on a call with my mom helping her with preparation for a presentation. I was hungry and rather irritable and as I could feel the impatience rise, I remembered the many times my mom had sat up late in the night helping me with preparation for my presentations in school. I don’t think I demonstrated much impatience last night but have been guilty of doing so in the past.

Sometimes, we take the view that it is okay to take our frustrations on our loved ones. If we didn’t do so with them, who would we do it with after all?

That’s bullshit, unfortunately. Venting doesn’t help us learn self control. Exerting self control helps us learn self control. And our loved ones deserve our best behaviour, not our worst.

This moment made me realize how grateful I am to be able to give a bit back to my mom. I’m sure we all have those opportunities to do so with our parents. Let’s use them well.

I used to care a lot lesser about bandwidth a couple of years back. I had many little projects aside from a more than full time job – all of which were teaching me something – and I used to make sure I had activity filled days. I considered filling my days very important – not a moment wasted (literally).

I’ve taken the opposite approach since last year after a combination of thinking, reading, and prodding from a wiser friend. For instance, a big change has been not to touch any side projects except on the weekend (typically during the Sunday “inspiration projects” work day). This has meant complete free time to do what I want on weekday evenings (not that there is much time here) and a real day off on Saturdays when I can manage it.

The effect has been liberating – I have a lot more bandwidth now. As a result, I am able to think a lot more than I used to and thus able to balance my bias for action with some more thought. It also means I’m not in a hurry to get items off my “to do” list and am more relaxed in general. It has taught me to be accepting of the progress made on weekends on these projects – less but better is the mantra. Finally, it has necessitated a cut in the number of projects I have committed to. Focus is good.

Here’s to “less, but better.”

In one of my favorite movies, Kung Fu Panda 2, Master Shifu attempts to teach Po (the panda) the concept of inner peace. What follows is a an entertaining and meaningful movie about Po understanding his past and learning to accept it, leading to inner peace.

I’ve thought about the inner peace idea from time to time as the feeling of peace is critical to our well being and productivity, which in turn play a big role in our happiness. We don’t have to be in a quiet spot to experience inner peace. This state is one we can aim for in a crowded train station, if necessary. It just requires us to understand our circumstances and then accept it.

With understanding comes acceptance and with acceptance comes meaningful thought and action.

Today will be a test of my ability to be at peace. I’m looking forward to it. Thank you Master Shifu.

This was what Shanghai looked like on a week-day in December. I think it was Friday, 13-December.

The PSI index that measures pollution is calibrated to a pollution score of 500. Anything above 300 is considered toxic. Shanghai, on that day, hit 504. I stepped out to buy lunch that day and found myself coughing for the rest of the day as some particles got stuck in my throat.

I have now added fresh air to the list of things I’m thankful for.

Now, my life isn’t perfect. Far from it. It is very likely that a colleague from China might just spend a couple of months in my life and go back with a list of things he/she is thankful for. That would be a great outcome.. because, the more we add to our “things to be thankful for” list, the happier we are.

I find it very easy to get sucked into a world of first world problems if I am not careful – cursing if the the internet is slow for a few minutes or the lifts are too crowded. This fresh air example is a nice reminder that there are so many things to be grateful for. I have a roof over my shoulders, don’t have to worry about my next meal – it’s a privileged life.

As I’ve been mulling about changes I’m making in my life as I think of the next 4 years, one thing I’d like to do much better is meaningful giving. I have experimented with micro-loans in the past but haven’t found it as satisfactory. I’d like to be more involved and I’d like to be able to see and feel the impact if possible. The funny thing is that this act of giving will probably benefit me more than it will the recipient as I’ll add many more fresh air equivalents to my list. Perhaps giving is simply the best gift we can give ourselves?

Back to the gratitude list then (I realize I’m rambling today. Sorry about that). I am going to leave you, and myself, with 2 questions for the weekend-

1. How often do we give thanks for all the gifts in our life? How can we do more?
2. Do you feel you give enough to those who are less fortunate? And if yes, do you feel it is meaningful?

A few friends and I are working on solving the 2nd problem at the moment. There will be more updates on Help2Grow shortly – stay tuned.

Until we have experience, it is hard to look at a situation with different perspectives. Perspectives come with experience. But, widening our options and seeing choice is an important part of making good decisions. So, the question then would be – how do we make good decisions when we are young and relatively inexperienced? (this isn’t necessarily a reference to age. It could just refer to our experience within a specific topic as well.)

A suggestion that helped me greatly was engaging a “board of directors” group. This is different from mentorship – a board of directors are engaged in an organization (in this case, you) on all long term decisions. They may not be around for the short-term day-to-day activities – they could, but it’s not necessary. The idea here is to float the important questions with this board of directors group. If you’ve done a half decent job assembling this board, you will likely receive 3-4 different points of view and voila! Your options are here. You can now pick or tailor a solution to suit your style.

You can take this concept forward in any decision you make – for example, if you are considering making a decision on setting up a website, pick 3 friends who you think know how to do this and get their advice on how to approach it. Of course, blogs have made this easier since someone on the internet has definitely gone through what you are going through. But, for the more personal, less public decisions, triangulation as an approach works really well.

If at all possible, let your board be a mix of people of varying age groups. If this is hard at this point of your life, start with a group of peers you respect. The important thing here is to get started – triangulation is a great way to make slightly better decisions.

A close friend and I had a passionate debate about Quora over the holidays. He is a big fan and was working hard to convert me to one too. His argument was that it’s the best way to use little breaks during the day – nice easy way to gather knowledge. My argument, on the other hand, is that Quora isn’t as good for you as might be led to believe.

First, let me quickly point out that I love what Quora has done. It’s a great newer version of Yahoo! Answers to me and I’d definitely get on Quora if I had a specific question. I don’t contribute to the content yet. Maybe that will change someday.

I just don’t think Quora is a good investment of pockets of time during the day. I would prefer to either stare into space during the small pockets and try and carve out a larger pocket to lead a good book.

Why? Bandwidth. We have very limited bandwidth and I believe we must use it wisely. If we’re accumulating knowledge in a day, I’d rather we do it in a structured and focused manner. Quora doesn’t do that. A book does. I have a similar argument against TED. The other complication with both these services is that you can also spend an hour on both of these services and come out with near 0 learning or insight.

So, is it a better use of your time than scanning your Facebook feeds? Maybe. Even that might be debatable because your friends on Facebook might throw up useful content occasionally. Social media has made serendipitous knowledge gathering easy. Feedback and engagement is instantaneous and I admire the attempt of services like Quora and TED to make knowledge gathering instantaneous and easy as well.

Yes, gathering knowledge (and wisdom?) from a book isn’t as easy. But it’s better.

“Why did she say that?/ Why did he behave like that? Maybe……..”

I’ve had many experiences with second guessing intentions. I’ve also had an equal number of bad experiences with others trying to second guess my intentions. The common thread I’ve found in most of my experiences is that the second guessed intention typically assumes the worst. The real intention is better, almost always.

So, avoid attempting to second guess intentions. Talk about them. Ask when you have a question and communicate until you are clear about them. Our actions are hardly ever perceived as we would intend them to be. So, communicating intentions matter.

I have been quick to jump to conclusions in the past. It rises from my tendency to be impatient. Experiences with implicit assumptions and bad second guessing have taught me the importance of patience before drawing a conclusion. I don’t think patience will ever be strength but I do think I can teach myself to stop attempting to second guess intentions as it is regularly counter productive.

Finally, it’s also a reminder for us to share our intentions where possible so we have others second guessing our intentions less than necessary. Let’s talk about why we do things more often – I think only good can come from it.

6 months into my marriage, I’ve learned a thing or two about making a marriage work. I had lived largely by myself for the 2 preceding years and this means everything works as per your rules. Being married is very different. I’d even say that it is different even if you’ve lived in together. There’s a permanence about it that adds an extra dimension.

A big learning that’s helped me be a slightly better spouse is to let the small things pass.

If ever there was any pretence about your moods or habits (both good and bad) prior to your wedding, it’s all sure to breakdown once you spend most waking minutes at home together. And, accept it or not, we all have our moods.

There was one such moody moment a few days ago when I recall feeling tempted to snap during a short exchange. There are many variables that could have caused this – my mood, my wife’s mood, the topic of exchange, and so on. Such things happen from time to time. But, as I find myself feeling I was treated unfair, I find it worth remembering that I’m not a beacon of fairness. We all have our inconsistencies. We all slip. Let’s call on a little self awareness, learn to laugh at ourselves, and let the small things pass.

The difference between a mountain and a mole hill, very often, is just one of perspective. Don’t make the small things bigger than they should be and make sure these little moments are spent happy, for it’s all these little moments that make up a lifetime.

A close friend, who recently published a book, described the experience as feeling like she’d put a piece of herself out for the whole world to critique. I understand that emotion.

I kick-started a new project yesterday (will debut here on Sunday – do look out for more details). As I sent out the first emails, I felt the usual emotion of fear rise. I’ve experienced this fear every time I’ve started a new project. Even blog posts that talk about a sore failure on this blog give rise to that emotion. I’ve learnt that it’s normal. While it has been debilitating early in the “ALearningaDay” journey, nowadays, it is a signal that I’m attempting to do the right thing. You only face the resistance when you’re doing something that is making you grow.

2 learnings after many projects and many failures –

1. Courage is not the absence of fear. It’s acknowledging there are things more important than fear.

2. You fail.. So what? It’s really no big deal. I had a lot of good feedback and some critical feedback thanks to a mistake I identified a bit late. It’s all good as it helped me get better. I’ll work on delivering better content in the coming weeks. The prospective failure always seems worse in our head.

You’re never going to stop failing. My suggestion would be to just make it a process you’re used to. All projects come with a “this might not work” tag. Isn’t that the best part?