Things we usually talk about: The weather, celebrities, our mood, random memes, the cat video of the moment, television, gossip, politics.
Things we don’t usually talk about: Tough decisions, dreams, challenges, books, lessons learnt, ideas that inspire us.
What if we flipped these around?
There are so many decisions we need to make for conversations to go well. These decisions could range from listening to being constructive to being thoughtful about what we say. However, I’ve come to realize there is one conversation decision to rule them all.
And, that decision is whether or not to take it personally.
If we don’t explicitly make that decision, we might react defensively to everything that is being said. And, once we do that, it is very hard to recover. But, decide not to take it personally and we give ourselves the opportunity to listen, to understand, to be thoughtful and to respond constructively.
The key to making this decision is understanding that the issue is rarely about us. We might have contributed to it. But, it is unlikely it is about us unless we decide to make it so. The quicker we get out of the way, the sooner we can move to prompt resolution.
We have conversations very often. We might as well learn to do them well.
Here are 5 guidelines I have developed for being constructive over the years –
1. Listen a LOT more than you talk. At least 3x more. I won’t go on about the benefits of listening – just do it. And, when you do, try not to do it the way I do it and give people time to finish what they want to say. (I’m working on doing it right)
2. Quantity never equals quality. When you spend time with people, make sure it is as constructive as it possibly can be. It’s okay if it is less – let it be good.
3. If you sense yourself in a non-constructive mood, stop. Get out. Get some space. This is a critical move if you’re an introvert who needs to recharge. The other way to judge this is when you are in a low willpower state – lack of food and sleep can do this to you.
4. Only give your opinion to those who really want to hear it. Opinions are like backsides. Everyone loves airing them but it’s perhaps best not to do so in public. What you think is only valuable to people when they want to hear it. This can be extremely different if you are generally outspoken / used to expressing yourself.
5. Don’t discuss what to think, discuss how-to-think. Speak about how you’d approach a problem rather than your proposed solution. This is always valuable as it enables a generally constructive discussion how to approach problems.
Being constructive is a lot about managing your style. From my experience, you learn more by making mistakes than by watching others do it right. Watch for whether your conversations end constructively and think about what went right or wrong over time. You’re not going to get a 100% constructive hit rate and that’s okay. But, we can get better. As always, a touch of awareness and a touch of reflection followed by action can help us work magic.
A Learning a Day 