A close member of framily has suffered a repeat injury and will probably be off contact sports for the rest of his life. There’s a bit of history behind this that I don’t want to delve into. When things go wrong, it’s never because of one thing. Like Gladwell explains in Outliers, a plane only crashes when a combination of 10 odd things go wrong. In this case, it was similar. It was a case of wrong place, wrong time and bad luck. But I’m still sad.
I’ve had a similar experience with another member of framily over the past few years. I wrote to him the moment I heard this.
I’ve learnt over time, especially thanks to these two close friends, that messing with our body or health is typically a slippery slope. The stuff that’s forbidden always feels and looks good. How else can we explain the amounts of alcohols and tobacco consumed every single day?
Some of this stuff may be okay in the short term but they end up being cause for an incredible amount of agony in the long run. Among the famous quotes on the matter is the one by iconic footballer George Best –
‘In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.’
Very good for humor but if you’ve ever read about Best’s life, then you’ll likely be filled with sadness. Reading about Best was probably my biggest influence to not touch alcohol and tobacco. I clearly remember digging deep into the story of this United and footballing legend four years ago. Dubbed as ‘a fifth beatle’, World player of the year and European winner at 22, he was the kind of player you expected to eclipse Pele. But then, events took a tragic turn. His career and life gradually fell apart and he died a few years ago with multiple liver and kidney problems.
I clearly remember the horror I felt when I read his story. And I remember telling myself ‘If a man of his genius was ruined by it, what about someone like you?’
And I remember deciding that it wasn’t worth the risk. I don’t think I’ve missed much. And I doubt I will ever make a better decision.
I remember this being reinforced by Richard Feynman’s note on alcohol. On a trip to Brazil, he realized he suddenly felt a craving for it. And he decided to quit right then. ‘My brain is too precious.’ I’d echo what he said and say it referring to my body. It’s way too precious to mess around with.
Life would be boring without these excesses is what I’m told from time to time. Well, sure.
I’m happy with boring. I’d much rather not be lying in a hospital bed twenty years, regretting the damage I could have prevented. I don’t think a few seconds of happiness is worth the long term agony. I’d much rather spend that time building something meaningful.
This post has been coming for a while now as this is a subject I’ve been thinking about over the past few months. This is thanks to a collection of incidents – incessant Visa issues when traveling for work, becoming a Permanent Resident in Singapore, reading M K Gandhi’s autobiography, many many debates and email exchanges with friends and acquaintances.
I’ve wrestled with the question of identity a fair bit. What is identity? Why does it matter? What does being ‘Indian’ mean? Am I patriotic? What is patriotism?
It’s been more than 5 years since I have left home now and factoring in graduate school, it will probably be atleast 5 more before I give myself the option of going back. Will I give myself that option though? I can’t tell yet.
I have many thoughts on this issue. And I’m going to dive in with no structure or research backing whatsoever. This is going to be a rant in it’s purest sense – a collection of thoughts and ideas I am wrestling with based on my own experiences and thinking. It is likely to be very long. And it is likely to be similar to The Pursuit of Happyness rant and yet, likely to be very different thanks to the simple fact that I have many more questions here than answers. So, here goes..
The first bunch of questions I asked myself were – Does citizenship matter? Am I even a citizen of a single country? The world feels like a global village. Am I not just a denizen of this global village? The next bunch wave of questions were around – Does a ‘piece of paper’ (i.e. my passport) mean anything? If I were to switch citizenship, would it mean I’m any less Indian? Is it wrong to seek another piece of paper to make travel and life easier? And finally – What does ‘being Indian‘ mean to me? Am I proud being so? Does this mean anything beyond some emotion I may be clutching? Is this part of my identity? What is my identity? Do I ever plan to give back? Will it ever work out for me in India?
These questions have popped up from time to time over the past year. And I’ve given each of them considerable thought.
One of the things I encourage every young Indian to do is to spend atleast a year abroad. Ideally, in places more developed. As a child growing up in India in the boom periods of the 1990s and early 2000s, I frequently recollect hearing India Shining and India 2020. Being an avid debater and public speaker, I can recall many competitions, republic and independence day celebrations where I gave my views on the topic. (Well, more like my mom’s views on the topic). I can’t say I was ever convinced though. Luckily, I was constantly reminded to question what I was being fed. And here, I must thank my Mom.
My mom is the quintessential traveler. She is one of those people who is at home in a foreign land. I’ve probably traveled more and lived abroad longer but my mom, in many ways, embodies the spirit of traveling. Thanks to her open mind and spirit, she truly takes a deep dive into a new culture and society and enjoys traveling like few others I know do. Having been exposed, she always insisted that we were fooling ourselves. And she wanted me to go out and experience the world. I happily agreed. So, thanks to her, I opened my mind to studying and living abroad. And very soon, these dreams became reality. I had 4 years of life experience under the excuse of studying engineering in Singapore.
Understanding Singapore was truly eye opening. Life in Singapore was in many ways an exact opposite to life in India. Massive vs small, old vs new, unclean vs clean, corrupt vs un-corrupt, chaotic vs orderly – it really was a contrast. Singapore, in many ways, is as close as you can get to perfection in this world. I still wasn’t satisfied though. I wanted to experience the west. After a short stint in the middle east, it’s becoming close to a year being based in London. London, funnily enough, is a lot like home. Most of the adjectives I’d associate with home would fit right in. Thanks to Mom and Grandparents, then RealAcad and work, I’ve also had the good fortune of traveling around Europe for a short while and spending a few weeks in total in the US. Other continents are sure to follow as well.
All these experiences have given me an incredible amount of perspective. I look at India from a very different lens now – from the outside. And I see a very different picture. While I do hear of the enormous economic boom and increased focus on India thanks to the failings of the leaders of the West, I find myself still unconvinced. And here’s why. India is essentially still tribal. We are still run by families. The two essential aspects of modern civilation – wealth and political power are concentrated in the hands of, literally, a few families. Most of our political history has been controlled largely by one family and most of the wealth today is in the hands of massive family owned conglomerates. There’s very little reason to change – that’s a comfortable position to be in. And a lot of the political effort thus far has gone into just that – keeping the status quo.
These reasons make it significantly harder for young upstarts to make it. Doing business is not easy, education is managed murkily, infrastructure is pretty bad and corruption is rampant. Aside from this, there is an incredible diversity that we have to deal with. People of all colors and types from 28(or more) very different states. That said, when compared to Europe’s warring states, I find India’s unity-in-diversity pretty incredible.
Over these years, I’ve had coffee table discussions and debates from time to time on this topic, especially back home. I’ve spoken with folks who are convinced that the west has gotten it all wrong and that India is the true great country. And, on the other hand, I have spoken with many who have just become cynicial about the country and talks of growth and prosperity. Then again, for the large part, most others don’t really care. I’ve had a few discussions about this with Indians on the outside as well. Again, we have a mix. Few of these want to go back and stay close to family, most others can’t see themselves going back for the next couple of decades and then, of course, there are few others who would go wherever life takes them.
I’ve also had chats with Indians who have given up their citizenship. Here, some of their reactions have amused me as many want nothing to do with India. I sense shame when they speak of India. They like to associate themselves with their new motherland. And yet some others switched passports for professional reasons – ease of travel and the like.
One of the better discussions I had, though, was with a Chinese friend who spoke of business and life in China 20 years ago and how things had gradually been changing. I found the discussion very insightful as I could relate completely to the China of 20 years ago. Being a few years ahead of us on the S curve (albeit with a very different approach), our discussion on China’s progress gave me a lot of optimism. She spoke of the emerging middle class which forced the rigid system to change gradually and gradually become more open to the middle class changing things. She spoke of how an increasing number of Chinese are making their way back home thanks to a better business environment and increased entrepreneurship. And, of course, China’s growth and general progress has reflected this shift.
The other big influence in my thinking has been thanks to the US. I am a huge fan of the United States. I truly believe in the US being a land of opportunity and I have loved every moment I have spent in the United States. I share the general optimism of the American people, their belief in entrepreneurship and the power of technology and of course, their insistence on democracy and freedom. I love their work ethic and I am in awe of their advancement in research and technology. I am one of those who would like to see the US remain the leading super power and I’m hopeful they will find their way back.
My blog roll reflects this admiration. All my role model bloggers and many of my blogging influences are Americans. And herein lies the biggest reason this post has been coming. Over the past few months, I have watched and participated in (particularly at AVC) many many intense debates amongst the Americans on Obama, healthcare, entrepreneurship, tech and the economy. And I have been amazed at the common thread of patriotism that runs deep within them. Deep. Real deep. And, as a result, I’ve found myself wondering (much more!) about my own roots and beliefs.
The other big influence, as mentioned earlier, was the autobiography of M K Gandhi. A truly fascinating book. That book reminded me, once again, of the freedom struggle. I had lost touch with all of this. More questions and observations popped up. In many ways, I actually found myself feeling that Gandhi was one of the few who truly got the Indian psyche. He had the kind of ideas that worked in India. He preferred hunger strikes to violence, for example. His career also made for an interesting study. Grew up in India, studied in England, worked in South Africa and only returned home in the latter part of his career. But, by the time, he was back, he was ready to have the kind of impact he did.
Decades following Gandhi, I find his overall process still works. Hunger strikes have still proved themselves most effective in rallying India’s population. And I have already mentioned my bias towards going abroad and getting exposed. It makes sense.
The biggest realizations over the past few months, however, came when talking to a wiser Indian friend. We were discussing identity and the concept of building. We were discussing how, at the end of the day, we were essentially Indian. Changing our passport wouldn’t change that fact because that’s how the world identified us. And, at the end of the day, in our heart of hearts, that’s how we identified ourselves. We then also spoke about the concept of building. And, one of the things we agreed on was the importance of building at home. If we didn’t, who would?
Did that mean we would take the next flight home and set up shop? Not really. It did mean that it was part of the big picture. It meant we saw this period of learning and growth as a phase. But, at the end of the day, we did see ourselves going back and giving back.
In many ways, this is the biggest indicator of where I am in my thinking about India. Despite all those things that seem terribly wrong with the country, I am optimistic of how things look for a number of reasons. The biggest reason is the change that I believe economic prosperity will foster. The richer the common man becomes, the more push there will be for change. And I’m optimistic this will happen. The degree of entrepreneurship is generally a great way of measuring progress. And that’s been on the up. There is progress, even if it is painfully slow.
The other big factor that makes me positive is that India seems to have many of the ingredients that the US has/had in it’s glory years – democracy, chaos, hardworking people, a young population, struggles with discrimination (black-white in the case of the US and caste system in India’s case) and a thread of unlikely unity amidst the diversity.
I’m not one to be carried away by talk of projection of boom and neither am I one to be depressed at the thought of the massive challenge that lies ahead. Where one may see trouble, I generally like to see opportunity. And hence, there is no lack of opportunities and building to be done. Like in the China situation, it is my belief that it’s only a matter of time before the environment becomes easier for the middle class to asset influence. The big question, of course, is whether this will happen soon enough. That said, I also know there will never be a perfect time. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not expecting ‘ideal’. All I’m hoping for is good enough.
My mother often asks this very deep question every time we speak – ‘Will India ever be first class? Will it ever be a truly great place to be?’
I don’t know. I have reasons to be optimistic. Change is the way of things. And change in India is long overdue. But, then again, the more I think about it, I realize that I don’t really care. I will go back anyway. I’m just not ready yet and neither do I believe that the time is right. But I’m convinced the time will come.
And then, when I ask myself – Why don’t I care?. I realize the answer here is threefold. Firstly, it’s because I’m eager to build. And I’m confident that there are many more who have the same eagerness and desire to build. We can change things. That’s a given.
The second is best explained by one of my all time favorite Elliot quotes, one that I recently mentioned in a recent post.
We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. | T.S.Elliot
I find this incredibly true. I’m still exploring. But, the end will arrive. The end may be a few decades away but it will come. It is, I understand, the way of things.
The most important part of the answer is that, at the end of the day, India is home… and home is where the heart is.
That said, there’s a high probability I’m looking at all of this the wrong way. I’m looking forward to the discussion! :)
A close younger friend was on her way to writing her first job application and needed her resume done. 10 days and 12 drafts later, I expressed full satisfaction at the end product. This included a couple of iterations with 2 other friends.
It turns out that she did not expect such a trying process. I don’t blame her. But, the beauty of hard work and a touch of pain is that learnings from such experiences are always incredibly deep. And I thought I’d share some of her big learnings from the experience. The beauty with the depth of these lessons is that they apply everywhere and in that lies another deep underlying principle. If we go deep enough i.e. if we truly understand the nature of what we do in any field, we will extract incredibly meaningful lessons that can be applied everywhere.
Note: This is a very talented person who manages a couple of great blogs. She also tends to be very kind with her compliments. — Every time I sent him a version he’d send it back to me with improvements. The fact that it was scanned and remarked on with a pencil somehow hammered the suggestions deep into my head. We went through a week of 10-12 cycles of review and in the end came out my resume. Something I am immensely proud of now! 1) Patience – I learnt the importance of waiting for things to shape-up. I am a very distracted person. It takes great love for work and motivation to keep myself at it. I always hurry thing up in the end. This time though, I waited for it. I learnt to go along with it and realize the wonderful journey/outcome. Also, from my friend. He was extremely patient with me that one week! With all the corporate relationships he is used to, I thought it was really encouraging when he waited for me to learn. Very grateful for that! 2) While ‘too many cooks spoil the broth’, the master cook can always handle the broth taking all the suggestions of the other cooks – I have always been better at working by myself, doing my thing. This time though I worked with three other people! Initially I took every bit of advice and blindly changed things on the document. As the reviews increased though I learnt to negotiate. To decide which I wanted to change, which I dint. If I had done this all by myself, I know that it would have remained Dhanya_Resume_v1.pdf. This is actually my biggest learning I would say. I learnt the importance of discussion and team work, in a way. 3) To each his own – Just like every person has a unique fingerprint, every person has a unique view/opinion on things. I could see how each one of us noticed various aspects of the document. How we saw the words. What the words meant to us. This was a very deep learning. Having such varied opinion on things, I wonder how we even manage to run things in the world this way. I guess thats where compromise comes in. 4) Sweat on details – Every space, every comma, every dot, matters. An achievement may not seem big to me in relativity, while on the contrary it might be something big to someone else’e eyes. It is essential to analyze a detail from the hirer’s point of view and to try judging their understanding. 5) Easy on the eye, faster to the head – Formatting anything and making it cohesive makes life so much better. Personally, I like to keep things ordered and clean. I realized its important to extend it to every inch of life! — The original post is here.
Thanks to having given a fair few ‘resume writing’ workshops, I do read a lot into the thought put in a resume. It doesn’t mean mine is anywhere close to perfect but a lot of effort has gone into it. I’ve been fortunate to gain lot of this experience thanks to RealAcad and other experienced friends who helped me along the way.
So, when you write/edit your resume for the next round, do make sure that you run it through people who can help you. Preparing a great resume, in my very limited experience, does take 9-10 versions and a fair amount of thought to get right.
It’s well worth the effort though. If you still have a niggling feeling about your resume after having bounced it off with people around you and would like more help, do feel free to reach out. :)
— Beginning of the movie Switch – Subway in New York Look at us, running around. Always rushed, always late. I guess that’s why they call it the human race. What we crave most in this world is connection. For some people it happens at first sight. It’s when you know you know. It’s fate working its magic. And that’s great for them. They get to live in a pop song. Ride the express train. But that’s not the way it really works. For the rest of us, it’s a bit less romantic. It’s complicated, it’s messy. It’s about horrible timing, and fumbled opportunities. And not being able to say what you need to say when you need to say it. At least, that’s the way it was for me. —
In that note, I think we see what I like to call ‘The Connection Paradox.‘ We crave connection. We crave to be heard, to be understood and to connect with others and understand them. Yet, intuitively, we tend to back away from it.
Because, seeking connection means many things – it means being open to putting ourselves out there, it means being open to saying a few stupid things once in a while and it means being open to the fact that, somewhere down the line, we will get hurt. And it is likely we all have tried and sought connection and been burnt, at one point in our lives. A friend who betrayed us, a group of friends who laughed at us or most likely, a romance where we got burnt. So, we stop. We become wary. We punish everyone for one person’s mistake. We stop trusting. We stop connecting.
The curious paradox is that while we think this makes us happy, it actually doesn’t. Because it underscores the underlying need for connection. We are social animals. And, social is often misunderstood for gatherings and get togethers. Well, no. Social is a lot more than that. It encompasses expression, dialogue, debate, conversation, understanding, humor – all those things that characterize connection.
I’ve used my own example with commenting in blogs. It was unnerving at first and just easier to stay away from. I remember seeing a 70-100 comments every day on AVC and wondering if I would fit in. I’m happy I took the plunge. Over time, my blogs list has expanded and I find myself in dialogue and debate during close to every break at work. It’s the sort of void Facebook can never fill. Facebook, for all it’s ability to connect people, is way too public. We are still tribal.
As the world becomes flatter, we become increasingly tribal – the only difference is that our tribe is located across the world and connected because of choice and interest. — End of Switch Look at us. Running around. Always rushed. Always late. Guess that’s why they called it the human race. But sometimes, it slows down just enough for all the pieces fall into place Fate works it’s magic. And you’re connected. — It’s like magic, indeed. And, like any magic trick, we just need to be paying attention.
Remembering names is a subject close to my heart. I even created a ‘Definitive Guide to Remembering Names‘ 2 years ago. Of course, the post was anything but ‘definitive’. And, as a result, I’m back 2 years later and finally feel like I’ve understood what it takes to remember names.
Firstly, I thought I’d explain why this topic is close to my heart. It’s a simple reason really – Remembering names is magical – for both sides. It’s magical for you because you have just pulled out a name, against the odds and feel really really good about yourself. And, if you’ve ever been the receiver, you know that there are few things that equal the magic of somebody remembering your name when you least expect it.
I’ve been witness to pure magic in this regard – miracles have happened in restaurants, super markets and in the oddest of places simply because a name was remembered. In some cases, it wasn’t even because a name was remembered. It was simply because a name tag was noticed. How amazing is that?
And, all that aside, I find that calling a person by their name forges a deep connection. It’s amazing that a simple collection of letters can forge a connection as deep. But, that’s really how magical the name is. It counts.
Now, over to the next problem – How do we remember names?
I have a friend with whom I had the benefit of spending many years in close contact. He is a very passionate Biologist and he, very often, shared interesting learnings from his classes in school with a bunch of us when we hung out. While we used to joke about falling asleep right as he began expounding some interesting theory, I’m glad he never gave up on us because I absorbed many an interesting tit bit.
One such tit bit was about memory and emotion. It was actually during a conversation when somebody pointed out that women tend to have better memories (on average) than men. And this friend explained the reason. He said the way our minds work is that memories become etched when they are attached with emotions. And women, being more emotional than men, as a result have better memories.
This learning came back to me as I was muttering a couple of names to myself a week or so ago. I had just asked a few members of the team at my favorite lunch haunt for their names. And I was busy trying to make proper associations to remember them. And I found myself struggling. Attempting to practice what I write about, I tried focusing on a successful moment i.e. a moment when I remembered a name.
And right then, the manager of the same haunt flashed in my mind’s eye. I remembered her name with ease. She was the first one I’d gotten to know. She was warm, sweet and always had a smile on her face. I cared about her.
I went over these thoughts again in slow motion and two words stood out. I cared.
I cared!
And I remember the moment – I stopped for a couple of minutes, pictured each person in my mind’s eye, associated their name with something familiar (eg: Rob with Robbie Williams) and felt that surge of emotion as I decided I would never forget their names. I met them every single day. Surely I was capable of caring that much..
Turns out I was.
I re-learned something very meaningful that day. It doesn’t matter how many tricks, tips and techniques you know. At the end of the day, if you don’t care enough, the rest simply doesn’t matter.
I haven’t forgotten their names since and doubt I ever will. At the end of the day, it came down to a simple concept – caring enough.
I’m sorry if you find yourself disappointed at the absence of some cool Jedi mind trick that would zap names into your memory. I, for one, am not underestimating this learning. It’s taken 2 years to get here. And it hasn’t been easy!
We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. | T.S.Elliot
So, there you go. That’s my secret to remembering names. And, the more I think about it, I realize this could very well be a secret to leadership, success at work, great relationships or life.
We can do most things we set out to do.
We just have to care. Just have to care. Have to care. To care. Care.
Over time, I’m beginning to realize the serious issues with feedback.
It’s that moment after you hear someone you share a professional relationship with talk about a list of things they like about you before adding a ‘but’ or an ‘and’ and going on to describe something about you they feel you need to change.
When you are on the side of the giver, it feels like you are doing the right thing. And as a receiver, you tend to have that bad feeling in your stomach.
How do I know? Been on both sides, more times than I can count.
Over the past year, I’ve come to the realization that giving feedback is just wrong. I’ve done it many times and I realize it’s something I need to stop. It’s a risk I should never take.
There’s a simple rationale to this. Your greatest strength moonlights as your greatest weakness. Always. And it’s natural. If you are an eagle, it’s normal that you can’t swim. But, feedback makes it sound like a bad thing instead of focusing on the fact that you are the best flyer around and if you did need anything to do with the water, you should just make friends with a fish!
Every person who accomplishes something understands this. Look at Steve Jobs in his early days at Apple and Next, and then in his second act. The big difference is that he surrounded himself with people like Johnny Ives, Tim Cook and John Lasseter who knew how to manage him, and whose skills were entirely complimentary. Luckily, for Jobs, he was born with a certain brashness (that worked counter productive as well) that had him ignore people who told him to stop being temperamental, the source of his creative genius.
My point here is that, for every Jobs, there a million others who are being given ‘constructive feedback’ and who never recover. It’s in our nature to focus on the negative and we will likely walk away from feedback sessions only remembering the criticisms. And that’s the end of the story.
So, here’s my suggested approach –
1. Don’t bother with feedback. There are, no doubt, a few relationships where the relationships that can take the feedback. Very few who will be able to laugh it off if they don’t like it. And I trust you’ll know which if you asked yourself that question.
2. Focus instead of finding people’s strengths. Focus like an insane person on what people are doing right, and how people can do more of that.
3. When you have difficulty working with people because of clashes of point of view or approach, focus on how you can leverage their strengths, and yours, to make the relationship positive. Staying out of the way could be a potential solution. ‘Constructive‘ criticism is not.
Here’s why. ‘Constructive‘ criticism tends to be constructive only in the mind of the giver. There are few people who are thick skinned enough to shrug it off. For the most part though, it is never constructive. It destroys much more in the long run.
Tony Buzan, author of Creative Intelligence, has an interesting theory. He says everyone is born with creativity in the arts, music, dance and in writing. However, we walk out of childhood at most with one or two of those talents. And he reasons it’s because we likely got laughed at or told in nice ways ‘we suck’ in the rest.
Conventional thinking gets this wrong. I’m convinced of that. Oh, and don’t worry about people never being told what they do wrong. The world will do that. For every 1 person who tells them they did well, there are a thousand that will laugh at them. It’s the easy thing to do.
Stop pointing out the things that the Eagle cannot do. Start figuring out how the Eagle can fly higher.
To do that, we will have to really understand the eagle and what it does right.
Telling an eagle to clip it’s wings because they are a nuisance to you is easy. The natural consequence, of course, is that it will never fly.
It requires serious thinking and effort to truly build people. It’s sometimes so tough that it hardly feels worth it.
This week’s learning is part of the ongoing series of inspiring learnings from ‘Switch’ by Dan and Chip Heath.
Peter Gollwitzer, a New York University psychologist, gave his students the opportunity to earn extra credit by writing a paper about how they spent Christmas Eve and turning it in on December 25th i.e. during holidays. Here, he added a twist.
Half the students received the assignment as it is. And 33% of them completed the assignment and turned it in on time, which was expected as most forgot about it during the holiday season.
The other half were asked to set action triggers in advance i.e. they decided exactly when and where they would write the report. Eg: One student said ‘I will write this report in my Dad’s office on Christmas day before everyone wakes up.’
And here’s the amazing part – 75% of those students submitted their assignment!
That’s a pretty astonishing result for such a small mental investment. Ambiguity results in inaction. Action triggers clear ambiguity and enable us to do things we want to do by pre loading decisions.
Conventional thought would suggest having a goal is strong enough motivation. But, that’s where our learnings about elephants and riders come to play. Goals are good for our riders and appeal to logic. However, to motivate our elephants, we will need to clear all doubts and literally set ourselves up for success!
Here’s to committing to clear action triggers this week!
A Learning a Day 