Category: Everything else

This week’s book learning is from Willpower by Roy Baumeister.

Researchers looked at different kinds of self denial. Subjects were shown pictures of a tasty and appetizing dessert.

Group 1 imagined eating it.
Group 2 imagined passing up dessert by deciding not to eat any at all.
Group 2 imagined passing up dessert by denying for now but told themselves they would eat at some later time.

Then, they measured how often they were distracted by yearning for desserts in a later activity as unfinished tasks tend to intrude in our thought process.

It turns out the “Not now” group were less troubled than both groups – even those who had imagined eating it! This is because our mind marks “I’ll do it later” as a “completed” task.

The mind never takes no for an answer and even indulging it fuels a craving for more. The best solution is to just say “later.”

Sketch by EB

As Mark Twain put it ‘To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body go do that very thing.’ So, every time we face a tough food choice this week, let’s never say never and always say “later!”

I got married 2 weeks back in Chennai. We were fortunate that our wedding turned out to be everything we hoped for and I thought I’d share my lessons with a focus on what went well. As the chances are high that you will be involved in organizing a wedding in some capacity – as a groom/bride, parent, sibling family member, or friend, I’m hopeful the lessons will be useful to you.

Context: We had 6 months to plan our wedding as I got down on my knees in January and we decided the date would be in July. Additionally, we had 2 days of pre-wedding celebrations with friends and family before a small wedding day and then a large reception – a mix of Indian and Western traditions. It wasn’t conventional and that meant we went back and forth on the kind of wedding we wanted. Additionally, our parents played a big role in our wedding as per the norm in Indian weddings – this context will be reflected in my thoughts below.

6 months before/ when you start planning
1. Bride/Groom – Sit down to understand: REALLY understand what you want. Ask yourself what you visualize when you think of the day(s) and make sure you have a picture that is aligned. We always described our wedding with 3 words – small, intimate, and celebration. That helped.

2. Bride/Groom + Families. Have an open conversation on the type of wedding you want. We had long discussions upfront to get this sorted and we eventually narrowed down on a plan for the 4 days that we all could live with..

A caveat here – It’s vital to be sensitive to everyone’s needs and requirements. We did our best (as bride and groom) not to bulldoze our parent’s suggestions and sensitivies while being firm. (It helped that our parents were wonderful throughout the process, of course!) After a bit of back and forth, we managed to find very good middle ground.

3. Set up governance. Organizing a wedding is just like managing a project. My recommendation would be to make the bride the CEO – no decision goes through without her approval. In our case, we had our parents take charge of different aspects and this was a HUGE step in making sure planning moved forward.

4. Sort out venues. This is driven by the type of wedding you want – so those discussions need to come first. As soon as these are done, get our pre-invites to all close friends so they can sort our vacation and flights as necessary.

3-5 months before.

4. Work hard on guest lists. This is tough if you are Indian and want a small wedding. I’d wager it’s tough in most cases. There’s no running away from it. We had many many long conversations and we kept going back to our keywords – small, intimate, and celebration.

5. Dig deep into costs. Weddings are expensive affairs and the cost of many small things add up quickly. Luckily, there are tons of levers to cut costs. For example, we were all aligned that we wanted excellent food all through but were more than willing to cut down on other little things like –
– We did e-invites instead of traditional invites and that helped a great deal as stationery costs add up
– We pre-bought all our alcohol in the 3 months before the wedding as charges across venues are really steep! So, we had all friends coming in from abroad bring duty free alcohol..
– We kept guest lists small :)
– As we got closer to the event, we went through every cost item line by line and removed tons of unnecessary items
– We worked with one logistics provider. This was more expensive but helped a lot with convenience and saved a lot of time as we had one point of contact for the most part.

6. Involve everyone who wants to be involved. We were fortunate to have friends and family who wanted to be involved. My recommendation would be to get everyone involved as much as possible.. their support becomes invaluable as you get closer to the day.

1-3 months before

7. Get inviting and help people coming from afar with logistics. This is an arduous process but is a big step in building the momentum. Send our your invites and then help all friends taking the trip across continents with logistics – booking flight tickets, etc.

8. Use Whatsapp. We experimented a fair bit with various pieces of technology and came to the conclusion that Whatsapp is the best event organization app. We had a huge centralized Whatsapp group for our friends and numerous sub groups for various pieces of the puzzle. This was invaluable and also helped build excitement and momentum.

1-4 weeks before

9. Speak to close family every day. This is crunch time and the stress levels go up. Be of help by keeping in close touch with close family (assuming close family is helping out :))

10. Very important – Transition “control center” to framily. The worst mistake you can make is to be the control centre  close to the wedding. My recommendation would be that the bride, groom, and both sets of parents absolve themselves of all organization responsibility one week before the wedding. I’m hopeful you will have close family members or friends who will take over. If you don’t, I’d suggest you go make some close friends NOW.

In all seriousness, the week leading up to a wedding in the family is very chaotic and you want to make sure you aren’t the stressed out bottleneck. We were incredibly fortunate to have some super capable friends and family take over the entire organizational piece – i.e. one big rocks manager (food, venues, etc.), one events manager (i.e. all the small details), and one person in-charge of the various small pieces of the puzzle . We literally just focused on what only we could do – show up, get married, smile, and have fun.

This learning didn’t come easy as I pushed the ‘ask for help’ part until I was completely overwhelmed. Please avoid my stupidity.

11. Do a complete event flow call – from first minute to last minute – with new framily event managers. We did a marathon 5 hour Skype call with everyone involved and walked through every single detail a week before the big day. That was the day we transitioned responsibility over to friends.

12. Define clear roles for all friends. As mentioned above, we also defined roles for the members of framily who were going to help with the wedding and had people in-charge of photo, video, technology, music, etc. This was really helpful amidst the chaos.

13. For the ladies – if you have more than 1 function, pack separate bags with everything required beforehand. Pro tip from the wife.

During D-days

14. Ask for lots of help. It’s amazing how many of your framily will want to help. You’ll be making them happy by asking them for help. So, do lots of that!

15. Always smile and be in a good mood. If the bride and groom are tensed, everyone is tensed. Let it be a real celebration! And if you are the bride/groom, it’s your day.. take advice with a pinch of salt and do what you need to do to have fun.

After

16. Follow up with thank you’s. To individuals, groups – as necessary. 

Other tips at random

– Take some time to get to know each others’ families in advance. It’s nice to surprise relatives by already knowing their names! We didn’t have that issue with friends since most of our friends were common having been together 6 years.

– Calling in-laws ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’. This is not for everyone but we decided a few months before the wedding that we’d replace ‘Uncle’ and ‘Aunty’ with Dad and Mom i.e. A uncle became A Dad. It was a huge mental shift for us but helped..

– Things will go wrong. That’s just normal. Shrug and move on. Make the most of the limited time you have with your favorite people.

– Work in some surprises. We had a bunch of surprises planned that different groups were privy to and this added the sense of fun and anticipation.

– Make sure the wedding reflects YOU. We didn’t have a traditional bachelor/bachelorette party as that’s not our style. Instead, we got our closer friends and family together at a beach house 2 days before our wedding and had a blast. We also had lots of music, some dance, lots of conversation and many laughs – i.e. our style.

– Never forget that it is a celebration. Never ever ever forget this. Organizing a wedding can get very stressful.. remember to remind yourself from time to time that it is just a celebration and the most important thing is to have fun.

Our wedding was very very special. Save for a couple of super special people who couldn’t make it thanks to travel issues, we had almost all of the most important people in our lives together for 2 incredible days. I would happily do it all over again to relive all those great memories. Now that I’ve played the groom’s role in a wedding, I’m looking forward to helping out in the many that will follow..

I’m sure I’ve missed out a few tips but I’ve hopefully got most of what worked for us covered. Look forward to your additions in the comments.. and of course, I hope it helps!

Life has us place an inordinate focus on who we are some of the time i.e. during job interviews, dates, product launches, and exams of various kinds. We aim to be our best selves during these times as they often decide what we do most of the time.

The paradox here is that it’s who we are most of the time that actually matters. It is what our reputation is built on. If every interview, date, product launch, or exam requires a super human push to bring out the best in us for a short while, we’re missing the point.

It’s great if we can bring out our A* game every match day but, in the grand scheme of things, it’s the ability to bring the A game every time we show up that differentiates the professionals from the amateurs. Besides, while you can occasionally make the A* leap on match day, it means your performance is heavily reliant on luck. That’s okay but it’s not a sustainable plan.

And, if a plan isn’t sustainable, you can be sure that the grind that is day-to-day living will rip it into shreds..

If you fail once and decide to quit, you’re belief in scarcity is justified. There was an opportunity. You tried. You failed. There isn’t enough.

If you fail a 100 times, however, you realize the scarcity theory doesn’t hold as strong. If there are a 100 ways to not do something, there might just be one way to actually do it right. The only way to make it through here is to believe in abundance, i.e., that there may be more than one way to get what you want but you just haven’t found the right combination yet. Maybe the circumstances need to change or maybe you need to change, get better, and become more worthy of your goal.

It’s hard to fail a 100 times though. Most of us give up after 4 or 5 attempts and walk away telling ourselves it’s impossible. What we’re really saying is that our belief in scarcity was validated. Scarcity doesn’t like more failure. And not failing enough means not having enough perspective when you attempt to solve your next problem.

How do you get out of the rut? Fail more. Fail often. Ingrain the idea of abundance. Get perspective by clocking up the count of bad judgment and thus, gaining experience. Call upon the perspective by learning to be still and thus, learn how to be wise. It’s an arduous process. But, what good process isn’t?

Identifying a path and calling it the “best way” leads to a potential opportunity to brand ourselves a winner. Lest we fail, however, we’ve just branded ourselves as a loser.

Better to just mark a potential path as “a” way, put in our best effort, and see what happens. Our best state-of-mind does not have the winners high or the losers low; it is one of calm and equanimity.

It’s all invented anyway. We might as well invent a way of thinking that makes us happy. There’s no best way. There is just a great way.. and then another.

Lucky people generate their own good fortune via four basic principles. They –

1. Are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities

2. Make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition

3. Create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations,

4. Adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.

You may occasionally get lucky but to be consistently blessed with fortune, lady luck demands resourcefulness, courage to listen to your gut, and a positive attitude wrapped up in persistence, grit and resilience.

Do you make it easy for Lady luck to favour you?

We spend large parts of our life working to earn money. What is money good for?

My central thesis is that life is all about “being happy.” Being happy is very very hard and most of us fail miserably at it. One principle reason for failure is not understanding and using our happiness levers well. And money is at the forefront of that – misunderstood, under utilized, and misused.

So, what is money good for? Think Maslow

1. Buying essentials and shelter. Food, water, clothes, and a place to live. These are the bare minimum fixed costs. We need to earn enough to cover these expenses. Ideally, you’re happy with simple investments in fixed costs because we get used to the basics very quickly i.e. your cool new BMW soon just becomes a vehicle you use to get to work every day.

2. Security. Save and invest. Being happy requires a feeling of safety and security else you are stuck with the occasional feeling of happiness.

3. Spend on experiences with framily. Now we get to using what remains after we buy basics, save, and invest – our guilt free spending money. The first best use of money, as a result, is using it to spend on great experiences with our loved ones. While we get used to our BMW real quick, we don’t forget that iconic trek to the Andes or that incredible road trip in Australia. The rule is simple – spend on experiences, not things. So, if you’re ever wondering if you should spend money to treat your loved ones to dinner or buy a watch, you know what to do..

4. Give. Giving builds self esteem. Give to those who are lesser fortunate, give your time to those who need it, and invest in yourself and others. Then repeat.

5. Finally, spend on yourself. Also a self esteem builder – good clothes, good gadgets, etc. Do so with the money that’s left over..

Money can never help with self actualization. We can’t spend our way to happiness. At best, money is a metric that is reflective of the success we have achieved. If we have built rare and valuable skills, the likelihood that we receive money in exchange for it is high. That said, it’s only a metric and the biggest trouble with metrics that are easy to measure is that they can make us forget why we began doing something in the first place.

Money exists to help us be happy. Let it not be the other way around..

PS: Dan Ariely recommends “Happy Money” – a book by behavioral economists who attempt to explain the science of smarter spending. I haven’t gotten to the book yet and am looking forward to it.

This week’s book learning is from Willpower by Roy Baumeister.

A study in the year 2000 found that a religious person was 26% more likely to be alive. This finding that non-religious people die sooner has been confirmed in multiple studies since.

The answer does not lie in divine intervention. Consider the following –

– Religious people were found to be less likely to be alcoholics or smokers, less likely to engage in risky sex, most likely to wear seatbelts, and more likely to go for regular health check ups
– They were found to have better social support. Their faith helped them deal better with misfortune
– Religion helps give provide believers with clear priorities – a key requisite for self control
– Religion fosters habits that build self control. Going to Sunday school is similar to “sit straight” – religious exercises are typical willpower building exercises (think: chanting hymns, mantras or fasting)
– Religious people feel answerable to a god who can’t be easily fooled. They are also conscious of being monitored by human eyes i.e. by other members of their community

In short, it takes great discipline to follow a religion!

Sketch by EB

A lot of simple “ancient” wisdom – sit straight, eat regularly, sleep on time, etc., is rooted in willpower. More willpower results in better habits and better lives. Religion is no different – it helps develop a communal habit whose pros often outweigh the cons.

Maya used to work at home as Mom’s help. She was in her early 20s and was a real workhorse. She had a long commute from her village outside her city but loved the whole idea of working in the city with a friendly boss. All was well.

A couple of years in, her family forced her into marriage. Her husband turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. There’s a fine line between sanity and insanity and a year into her marriage, Maya became depressed and began losing her sanity. Her condition only worsened over time as her family didn’t know how to deal with an occasionally insane person. So, they beat her and tied her up as the usually docile girl could now be violent. She used to still come home once a year to meet Mom and seemed to be on the mend but the stories we heard through people who knew her only got worse. Mom was hoping to put her in a mental home in the city the next time she came..

We came to know Maya passed away a few days ago. She is thought to have committed suicide. Foul play might have been involved but since it involves a mentally handicapped person, the matter has not gone to the police. There’s too much taboo involved. In a way, Mom and I are glad it happened – life as a mentally challenged woman in an Indian village is hellish thanks to taboos and ignorance. Mom is upset as we both knew her as a healthy, happy 20 year old.

I have 2 reactions when I hear a story like this. First, woman and mentally challenged folk have it very hard in rural areas of most developing cultures and we have a duty to make life better for them.

The second reaction is a reminder of the sort of privilege I was born into. You and I may not be the richest people around but we were born into families that gave us everything we needed. Most importantly, we were given opportunities to make something of this life. There’s barely any difference between Maya and us.. we just got lucky and were born into households where a good life was a possibility.

Let’s live, laugh, learn, and give back. Most importantly, let us not forget the likes of Maya who would have loved to have the sort of circumstances we have been blessed with. Let us not forget the responsibility we have to make this world a better place..

Let us not forget..

A few friends and I did a small 4 song performance at our pre-wedding get together. Each song was a dedication and as the first one was a dedication to my to-be wife, I was to sing it. Having never taken any vocal lessons, I was all sorts of afraid and went on to sign up for a 4 hour vocals crash course. It turned out to be a great learning experience and I thought I’d share the lessons I learnt.

1. If you can’t imagine it, you can’t do it. Vocals is an exercise in imagination. If you don’t believe you can make the pitch, you just can’t. And I had great difficulties with the mental aspect in my first lesson as I tended to panic as soon as I hit what I thought was a high note.
My teacher then asked me to close my eyes while he had me follow the piano’s key. He pointed out that while my vocal range was fairly high for a male (a “G”), I used to panic by the time I hit an E flat i.e. 4 notes lower. I had to learn to open my mind..

2. Don’t take casual feedback too seriously. Tony Buzan famously asserted that every kid is a born artist who stops drawing because some harsh teacher or parent criticizes an early work. I’ve found Buzan’s assertion true – with a bit of practice, all of us can become pretty good at many a hobby but we let casual feedback get to us.
I clearly took casual feedback on my singing too seriously and it got in the way of what I could actually do.

3. Difficult -> Natural -> Easy -> Beautiful. Focus your practice on moving across these stages. Move it from difficult to natural. Once it sounds or feels natural, try to make it easy and only then should you try the flourishes and add ons that make it beautiful. It’s a lovely 4 step framework.

4. We all have 2 voices. This was a big learning for me – we all have a “chest” voice (deeper) and a “throat” voice (higher pitched). Switching between these voices is a mental thing. We have to understand which voice would work better for a song and then imagine it before we do it!

5. Physical comfort results in mental and emotional comfort. The first step to a great vocal performance is physical comfort – we need to understand what makes our voices and bodies comfortable. Some singers drink cold water before a performance while others prefer hot water to keep their vocal cords in shape. Know your body.

6. Find your style. Vocals are all about finding your style. As a singer, you mix natural talent with style. There are many singers with tremendous natural talent (Frank Sinatra) who don’t need to worry about style since “showing up” is all they need to do. And yet, there are others with less talent (Rod Stewart) who really understand their limitations and work within them to create great music.

Needless to say, I’ve added vocals on my always expanding “skills to learn” list.