Category: Everything else

You attract people by the virtue of who you are

One of the most interesting aspects of going back to school after reading many books on human behavior is that you feel you are in a human laboratory of sorts. For a start, you meet more people in 2 weeks than you’ve probably met in 4 years of professional life. And, as a bonus, you have a very high school-esque atmosphere as everyone is keen to understand who their friends might be.

Since friendship offers incredible insight into human behavior, I thought I’d share my notes on a few observations about friendship –

1. We are the average of the five people we spend most of our time with. Friendships matter. (glad we’ve gotten that out of the way)

2. Schools are one of the best sources of great friendships. While some work environments manage to create strong friendships, it isn’t uncommon to hear people describe their friends either from high school, university or graduate schools. I think friends are one of the education system’s biggest gifts to us.

3. Friendship in our early years is almost entirely a product of proximity. As we grow, it becomes entangled more by choice. And, the entrance of choice means we get to see our own magnetic fields in action.

4. We all have magnetic fields that either attract or repel people. These magnetic fields are almost entirely driven by a combination of who we are (comprising of our values and what drives us) and the strength of our personality. Depending on who you ask, we can either be bloody boring, absurdly cool, too serious, too uptight, too flaky, etc.

5. That brings us to the next important truth – everyone is not going to like you. No, you can never be universally popular. In fact, shooting for popularity is probably a problem in itself.

6. If your magnetic field isn’t getting you the sort of friends you’d like to be surrounded with, you either need to change your friends or change yourself.

7. “Cool” exists in every social group. There is always a certain sub-section that is cooler. This group is the envy of most nerds and geeks. However, in my experience, the cool kids are left behind almost without exception. That’s my way of saying – make sure you pay attention to the nerds and geeks. You might just end up working for them.

8. You can be intentional about friendships. But, you’ll have to learn to do so without trying too hard. All human relationships are two way and the other person has to respond too.

9. Trying too hard is a field-killer. It obscures who you are because you pay too much attention to fit in. Don’t fret – just keep an eye out for like-minded people and you’ll generally do just fine.

10. Some people manage to present different faces to different people. If you’re not skilled enough to play that game, don’t try it.

11. If you aren’t really clear about who you are and what you stand for, don’t worry. It comes through when you start doing work. The work you do is a by-product of who you are and how you approach life.

12. Finding excuses to let yourself and your work shine through are critical as a result. That’s why many friendships build when working on projects. Don’t underestimate the power of extra-curricular activities.

13. As with life, patience is critical. Great relationships often take a while to form. That’s okay. A great personality can help speed up the process but, unless it comes naturally, it is probably not worth the bother. It is character that is going to sustain a relationship. There are few more accurate signs of good character than long-lasting relationships. It is definitely an infinite game.

14. If possible, actively seek folks who have different backgrounds and points of you. This is only possible once you feel relatively secure about who you are and where you come from (hence, communities of expatriates typically cluster). If you feel you are ready for this, give this a shot. While it is guaranteed that people with similar background will have many shared experiences, you will be amazed by the sheer number of like-valued people you find when you venture outside.

15. And, one last thing, be yourself. If you don’t know what that means, work hard to understand who you really are by working to understand what your values are, what drives you, and how you approach life. It is only once you possess a sufficient amount of self awareness will you be happy to be by yourself. Often, it is when we’re perfectly content to go on a journey by ourselves that we find the best group of travel buddies.

“You may not like us..and that’s okay. “

Every great brand takes a stand for what it believes in. When it does that, it says – “You may not like us.. and that’s okay.” Apple and Harley Davidson aren’t mass market products but they sure are authentic. There is a certain consistent beauty present across their products that comes from that authenticity.

It isn’t too different for us as individuals. When we stand for what we believe in, we also say “You may not like me.. and that’s okay.”

Until we do that, it is impossible to be authentic.

And, without authenticity, it is impossible to be happy.

“I will be doing it. Will you join me?”

You want to go the gym. It would be great to have company. Good news – your friend would like to go to the gym today. That’s a perfect opportunity for the – “Let’s do it together” line. Of course, tomorrow arrives and you receive a message first thing in the morning that your friend has another commitment and won’t be making it. Lying in bed, you decide not to go too as you are tired and need some rest.

Engaging buddies on important commitments is a great idea. It just fails because the “Let’s do it together” line implies shared accountability. Shared accountability is an oxymoron.

A better way forward would be to say – “I will be doing it tomorrow. Will you join me?”

This changes the dynamic in 3 ways –
1.You take responsibility and make a commitment. This ensures that both you and your friend take the commitment seriously.
2. You’ve made a decision that you will go either way and that your friend is a welcome addition. If you only want to do something because your friend wants to do it, it is time to question if what you plan to do is important enough in the first place.
3. The ball is in your court to keep the commitment. If you lack the integrity to do so, it is time to get into the habit of keeping your own commitments.

This isn’t a post about changing the language. Language is a by-product of intent. And, our intent better be strong. There’s no other way of ensuring we consistently get past the resistance.

What if I fail?

That toxic force, the fear of failure, thrives on being avoided. It kills initiative, destroys happiness, and encourages inaction. And, yet, it prefers we don’t talk about it or think about it.

So, the next time you feel its power, ask yourself – what if I fail? Write down your thoughts as you answer the question.

What if the person turns down my hand of friendship?
What if that company says no to my cover letter?
What if that group rejects the idea?
What if I try and lose?
What if she says no?

It is not that bad. It is never that bad. Sometimes, it is even fantastic and liberating.

Sure, we need boundaries. But, I’d argue that we could do with more risk and less status-quo today. We live better lives when we drive and embrace change. And, when we live better lives, we make the world a better place.

And, even if we did fail in that attempt, it’s okay. We’ll learn. We’ll get better. We’ll try again tomorrow.

Show me your schedule

A friend of mine has an hour set aside every week for a priorities check. During this hour, she goes through her past week’s schedule. This schedule is color coded with every event tagged to her various priorities. She adds up the hours she spends on various activities to get to the time spent per priority. If she is spending less hours on her top priority in comparison with the next two, she knows it is time to change tactics.

If there is a better way to check on our ability to prioritize, I don’t know of it yet. I plan to incorporate this idea into my life as well.

We are what we do. And, our priorities are never what they say are. Show me your schedule… and I’ll show you your priorities.

No panacea

When I hosted my blog on Blogger, many stopped to let me know that WordPress was better. It had better search indexing, better this and better that. So, after many years of deliberation, I switched. After around 20 hours of effort that involved troubling a close friend, we were finally up.

In the 5 months that have passed, I have actually had more troubles with WordPress than I had with Blogger in many years. The first was not WordPress’ fault. In the process of migrating, I lost 80% of my feed readers. The next few definitely were. The latest issue is around my mobile site heading to some weird Russian site on Android devices. I’ve deactivated the mobile plugin and am hopeful that will solve the problem (please let me know if it doesn’t).

That’s not to say WordPress was a wrong decision. All things considered, the decision making process was sound and I am convinced it was the outcome of a good process. I am focused on the process and not the result. Yes, it has had it’s issues but it only goes to illustrate a key principle – there is no catch-all solution to all problems. There is no panacea.

Every move you make opens up new sets of problems. That’s just life. Don’t go in expecting all those past problems to be solved. Some of them might well solve the old problems but the chances are high that new problems have been created. C-suite executives know this too well – they execute one change program after the other to remove problems that never seem to go away. The problem is, perhaps, not in the program but in the expectation.

There is no panacea. There will always be challenges. The sooner we embrace that, the better for us.

You have to make the effort

People who are good at directions are those who make the effort to memorize directions.

People who do well in school are those who make the effort to attend classes and follow up.

People who remember names are those who make the effort to make associations that help them remember names.

People who sustain long relationships are those who make the effort to stay connected.

We choose either to make excuses or to just make the effort. There is no hack that will help. You just have to decide to do it and then, do it.

And, of course, you’ll feel useless and fail as you progress. But, as Ben Horowitz likes to say, that’s how we get made.

It’s fine to get an MBA but don’t be an MBA

As I’m two days away from getting started on my graduate school education, I thought I’d share a blog post that happens to be one of my all time favorites written by Hunter Walk (thank you for the great post, Hunter!), a venture capitalist and former Google/YouTube product manager. While the post’s title is directed at MBA’s, I think it is just as applicable for anything you consider an accomplishment – getting promoted to Vice President, raising funding for your start-up from an A-list venture capital firm, IPO-ing your firm, working at a blue chip company, etc.

I hope you enjoy the post as much as I did..

The “MBA: good or shitty for entrepreneurs” debate flares up regularly here in Silicon Valley. Having attended business school at Stanford, I certainly have a horse in the race, but I’m also not one to insist it’s (a) the best choice for everyone or (b) required for success. At the same time, let’s dismiss the notion that any legitimate entrepreneur would never go to business school – ie that the act of even thinking an MBA is worthwhile proves you’re not a real hacker or hustler.

Key to all this talk is a more fundamental issue which most people gloss over — the notion of letting an experience define you versus it becoming part of who you are. And thus my take is that it’s fine to get an MBA, but not cool under any circumstances to be an MBA.

Getting an MBA means you’re curious to learn broadly about theories and explore how these techniques can be applied to various businesses. Being an MBA means you think you’re getting taught the one right answer to problems – to a hammer everything is a nail – and that only MBAs know these dark arts.

Getting an MBA means offering your perspectives and experiences to your classmates. Being an MBA means looking at your peers as networking targets.

Getting an MBA means thinking about your degree as just another attribute of who you are – I have brown hair, a wife, work at Google, enjoy citrus fruits and possess a Stanford degree. Being an MBA means you are “Hunter Walk, Stanford MBA,” elevating the matriculation to a level of undeserving primacy.

Getting an MBA means you shoot out of school wanting to prove yourself and see what you can contribute to others. Being an MBA means thinking the world owes you something and that your value 10x’ed just from spending two years on a campus.

At the end of the day, just be who you are, which is a collection of skills, abilities, successes, failures, fears, dreams and hopes. The most important degree you possess is Human University.

By the way, the “get, don’t be” applies not just to business school but any accomplishment that causes one to define their identity vis a vis an entity or action. This just as easily could have been titled “fine to go to MIT, don’t be an MIT” or “fine to work at Facebook, don’t be a Facebook.”

Allowing for serendipity

Louis Pasteur discovered vaccination by accident. The idea that the same bacteria that caused disease would be the key to becoming immune to it was so ahead of its time that it would have been impossible to get there by logical thought. An accident was required.

Louis Pasteur did not get there by accident though. He was one of the most accomplished germ researchers of his time and was experimenting on germs every day. He worked hard to create the circumstances that allowed the accident to take place and, when it did, he was open enough to consider what the accident could mean. There were other doctors and researchers who had observed similar germ behavior before him but they brushed it away. Louis Pasteur’s openness to serendipity combined with his acquired skills is what made vaccination possible.

Serendipity and luck have a funny way of showing up when you are most prepared and still open to a new idea that might change all your assumptions.

We don’t find serendipity. Serendipity finds us. We just have to be open enough to allow it to happen..

The importance of imbalance

It is an idea that is easy to forget when you work hard on happiness. We like both routine and variety and it is, thus, important to let ourselves go and become a bit less obsessed with keeping things exactly as we like them.

So, every once in a while, say yes to more than you can do, take on more than you can normally do, let loose and stay up the whole night and let it mess up your routines.

Often, that’s when magic happens.

Yes, we lose balance. But, life is about the balancing, not just about being balanced. Sometimes.. just sometimes, it is worth giving our lives a slight tremor ourselves to keep us alert, active, and prepared for life’s big (and unusually unexpected) tremors.