Defining trust

I love simple definitions and came across a fantastic one on trust on a friend’s blog yesterday. This friend’s post was inspired by a post by LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner –

Trust equals consistency over time. There’s no shortcut for either.

That is a fantastic definition – 100% true.

My only add would be that this definition illustrates beautifully the importance of integrity. Integrity is all about making and keeping commitments. This is so hard to do because of our propensity to make commitments we don’t intend to keep. It is only when we demonstrate integrity that we have the sort of consistency that builds trust.

There definitely are no shortcuts.

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We’ll make it work

We’ll make it work conveys two ideas – “We’re in it together” and “This is a commitment.”

There are many substitute responses to “We’ll make it work” – “I’ll try,” “We’ll try,” “Perhaps we can try make that happen,” “Let’s hope we can make it happen,” etc. None are as powerful. The beauty about “We’ll make it work” is that it galvanizes both sides.

And, if you don’t want it to galvanize both sides and really make a commitment, just say no.

There are those few times when you might want to use “try” as a cop out response or as a genuine attempt at communicating the uncertainty around things you don’t control.

But, for the most part, it is on us to avoid mucking around with weak promises.

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A conversation with Clay Christensen

In what will go down as among the most thoughtful gifts I will ever receive, a close friend got me 20 minutes on Clay Christensen’s calendar. We are the average of those we spend time with. And, aside from close friends and family, Clay Christensen is one of those folks I’ve spent a lot of time with – thanks to his generosity in sharing his wisdom via his book. Just recently, I had written about how their personal cultures had gone such a long way in helping me define my own. In that post, I’d mentioned that Clay didn’t know I exist.

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I have reached out to most of my favorite authors and interviewed them in the past few years. But, somehow, I stayed away from reaching out to Clay. Maybe it was because I knew he had a stroke and didn’t want to impose. Maybe it was because I felt I might be a bit disappointed if I never heard back. Either way, I didn’t do it. So, it was a real surprise when this friend forwarded his response to a note she’d left on his website about how I’d been inspired by his work to create “The Good Life sessions” at school. This was a true honor – it is always special meeting someone who has influenced you much more than they realize.

Our conversation revolved around purpose and the themes of “How Will You Measure Your Life?”

On his process of figuring out what mattered to him. Clay is a devout follower of the Mormon faith and his curiosity revolved around whether what he’d read about his faith was true. His experiences led him to experience what he considered a central teaching – if you do your duty, you will have opportunities to amplify your good work. And, that believe has been a constant through his life.

However, he didn’t want his book to be shut off as a religious book. So, he left this portion out (I always wondered why – it took me a long while to figure out how to build a process). In the process of attempting to convey some of his ideas, he had to dig deep to uncover principles that would apply to people of all faiths and belief systems.

On whether “don’t let life happen to you – instead, be intentional and thoughtful as you make your choices” is what he intended readers to take away. Absolutely. The principle here is to understand the resource allocation process. In his class, he teaches a case about resource allocation at Intel. Even though they were attempting to make a shift in the business to a lower profit per unit chip, they were still allocating resources based on “Gross margin per wafer.” This antiquated metric made it hard to make the shift they wanted. So, if managers want to drive change in organizations, you have to be fully aware of the resource allocation process.

Applying that to our personal life, this means understanding how we allocate resources. There are many forces that put pressure on our limited time and energy. For example, most of us habitually prioritize careers over families – even if careers are not that important to us. We can’t let life happen to us.

On parenting and the idea of quality time vs. quantity time. Clay talks a lot about parenting in his book. His reaction to this question was that quality vs. quantity time is the wrong categorization. Instead, first, we must ask ourselves if we are allocating time and energy to our children consistent with how we will measure our lives. And, as parents, our guiding question should be – “Are we working together toward building something or am I simply doing all the work for my children?” A natural following question is – “At the end of our time together, do my children have more confidence to tackle the hard things?”

Looking back, he shared that one of his children’s favorite memories was building kayaks. They didn’t seem to remember what they did with these kayaks. But, building them and tackling the associated challenges was a hugely memorable experience.


I found the idea that Clay had to dig deep to find principles that worked everywhere so as to make sure his wisdom reached people of all faiths and beliefs fascinating. It is, in my opinion, what made that book incredibly compelling – if you are ready for it. His pursuit of principles has inspired my own principle to find integrative principles that cut across all parts of our life. My leadership one pager was a result of a such a pursuit.

Thank you, Clay, for taking the time. And, thank you, for all your generosity. It all means more than I can express.

The shrinking circle of influence

I have many all-time favorite Stephen Covey concepts (that he managed to pack them all in one book is nothing short of wonderful) and the one for the day is the circle of influence.

circle of influence

In short, we all have a circle of influence with things we control and a circle of concern with things we don’t control. We get to choose what we focus on and, in doing so, we shrink or grow our respective circles. So, if you spend all your time thinking about things you don’t control – bad politics, global climate change – you will feel powerless and less inclined to do anything valuable. Spend more time on what you can influence, however, and you will feel your circle of influence grow.

A couple of days ago, I found myself feeling aware of a certain dissatisfaction that was brewing within. I had just spent an hour mulling various such issues – politics, the planet, immigration system issues. I had, in effect, shrunk my circle of influence. There are a couple of interesting takeaways from this idea –

  1. The illusion of control is an important aspect of our happiness. I say illusion because that is really what it is. We have far less influence over our lives than we think we do. But, it is important to believe we do.
  2. Even if we have far less influence in our lives than we think we do, we have a lot more influence than we often give ourselves credit for. Small things we do can have tremendous, even global, ripple effects. So, it remains a bit of paradox – we are neither as powerless or as powerful as we think we are.
  3. The quality of our lives is directly proportional to the amount of time we spend in our circle of influence.
  4. I believe the reason morning routines are very powerful for the reason that they involve us focusing on our circle of influence. By doing things we fully control – meditate, journal, etc. – we walk into the day feeling more in control.
  5. Related, but different – I think this is why waking up early is incredibly powerful. Wake up late and your attention can easily be captured by what other people want from you.

Spend more time in your circle of influence.

2 way growth

Disenfranchised parents, leaders, and teachers are often those who walked into the experience expecting 1-way growth. 1-way growth is when your world view revolves around the idea that you have plenty of wisdom to pass on. And, your kids/subordinates are will now be delighted to benefit from your experience. Sure, they may teach you a few tricks. But, how many new tricks can you teach an old dog? Beside, will the old dog really have time to learn given how much old dog wisdom there is to pass down?

As you might imagine, this affliction hits families a lot harder than in the workplace. As parents, it is tempting to think raising a child, who starts off entirely dependent on you, is all about passing on your wisdom. It is hard to imagine that a little human being can have an agenda or path of his/her own.

Khalil Gibran in, “On Children,” puts it beautifully –

They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

It all comes back to the idea that love is the willingness to extend oneself for your own and another’s growth.

Demonstrating true love as a parent, teacher or leader is primarily about caring enough to learn and grow through the experience. True teaching doesn’t occur when we set out to teach. True teaching occurs when the recipient is willing to learn and be influenced.

And, it is only when you are willing to be influenced do you have a shot at influencing others.

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The Great Salmon Run

The Great Salmon Run is a part of another David Attenborough + BBC special called “Nature’s Great Events.” This episode profiles millions of pacific salmon making an incredible journey from the sea to the mountain streams where they were born, to reproduce.

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The event is very important to the entire ecosystem. As the salmon make their way upstream, they provide much needed food to the grizzly bears who make their way down the mountain to fatten up for the winter.

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They keep traveling up till they reach the exact spots where they were born. Here, they reproduce and die – the effort involved in making the 4000 odd kilometer journey is all too much. Even in death, however, they are crucial. The grizzlies again benefit greatly from the easy prey along with the animals around the forests. These animals often leave dead salmon near the trees – this, in turn, provides vital nitrogen and minerals for the trees in the forest. And, the dead salmon in the water provide necessary nutrients for the new born fish they spawned.

It is an incredible documentary.

Every time I watch these documentaries, I wonder if these events will last beyond the next two decades. Global warming is fundamentally changing the pattern of the ocean currents. Pesticides and plastics in the water, on the other hand, are making conditions harder for the fish. Every time we mess with a part of the ecosystem, we end up messing with the entire web that is dependent on the one piece we affected. This is the part that makes me sad.

On the up side, I hope more people watch these documentaries and understand that the threats around climate change are real. Maybe we could all begin by taking small steps to instill more environment friendly behaviors, where possible. Maybe if a few more of us paid attention to recycling, if a few more of us kept our eyes open to the prospects of saving energy, then we will go on to make more energy friendly decisions when the stakes get bigger.

We might soon be left with no choice but to do just that.

Over index on the intangible

If there is a number associated with something, our natural instinct will be to optimize it. All good mobile games understand this. Cut The Rope, Temple Run, Angry Birds, etc., are all about optimizing numbers – levels and overall scores.

tangible, numbers, intangible

The issue, of course, is that while we are spending hours optimizing our numbers on Angry Birds and Temple Run, there are a whole lot of other, more important things, that we are saying no to – important relationships, our health, our mental growth and development, etc. But, it is hard to recognize that until something breaks. Without numbers to mark progress, it takes a lot of focus and discipline to keep working away on the intangible.

My proposed solution is to over index on focusing on the intangible. Any time you see something hard to measure, spend extra time thinking about whether you should spend time investing on it. Yes, there will be some things that you should ignore. But, for the most part, you will find that the intangible stuff is what contributes to a lot of success and happiness in the long run. In school, that means going beyond grades to focus on learning the “soft skills.” In our companies, that means investing in building a great culture. In our careers, that means focusing on long term skill development over a short term pay raise. In our relationships, that means putting in effort to be thoughtful and caring. And, in our lives, it means spending time on activities that help us learn, grow and become better people.

Ben Horowitz once said – Management by numbers is like painting by numbers – it is strictly for amateurs. It isn’t all that different in our life.

Pay attention to the numbers, sure. But, remember to over index on focusing on the intangible stuff. That is difficult. The difficulty lies in the fact that intangibles don’t seem to pay off for the longest time.

Until they do.

IQ versus DOT

Growing up, we’re often told implicitly that raw intelligence/IQ or intelligence quotient is a big deal. There are, however, two things we aren’t told.

First, after a point, IQ actually doesn’t matter all that much. Some of the greatest scientists of all times didn’t possess high IQs.

Second, in a battle between raw intelligence and a combination of discipline, organization and thoughtfulness (let’s call them DOT), DOT nearly always wins. And, this is in every measure – from building a successful career to, perhaps the most important, having a good life.

And, the best part? IQ is something we are born with. Discipline, organization and thoughtfulness, on the other hand, are traits we build – much like building our biceps.

And, as far as muscles go, they don’t get more powerful than those.

Dithering and Constraints

This is my third attempt at a written blog post this morning. I’ve rejected at least three others in my head. The problem? The lack of obvious constraints.

I have an implicit deadline on most days to get the post of the day written. But, on a day off like today, there isn’t an obvious one. So, I dither. I keep trying to find the perfect post since I have that little bit of extra time.

Of course, there is no perfect post. And, creating the perfect post isn’t just about figuring it out in my head. Creating that post involves writing until I get it right. I might get that post after hours of deliberation. But, I would likely just cut a frustrated figure at having spent so much time attempting to write my learning for the day.

When we imagine happy lives, we often imagine lives without annoying constraints around money and time. But, as my experience with a lack of constraints shows, such a life would be full of dithering and without much creativity.

Constraints matter. If you find yourself stuck in a rut, it is perhaps worth wondering if having a few constraints (real or imaginary) might help get your creative juices flowing.

Creativity isn’t just about thinking out of the box. Most of the time, it is all about thinking on the edges of the box.

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Demonstrating gratitude

I had a moment yesterday when I asked myself a question – “What do I appreciate about the people I appreciate?”

A close someone suggested that the answer might be people who’d been through some kind of adversity. We discussed that for a bit. Getting through adversity was a proxy for strength of character. But, that wasn’t quite right.

After wrestling with this for a bit, the conclusion I came to was that it was all about people who were grateful for the experiences in this life and who cared about demonstrating their gratitude by doing good work. People who are grateful for the things that happen to them are not always very easy to find. (And, it is possible to link this to people who’ve experienced adversity of some sort. Going through difficult stuff often makes us more appreciative of the things that do end up working for us.)

demonstrating gratitude

But, in my experience, it is MUCH harder to find people who take that gratitude and do something about it. These folk realize how privileged they are and go out of the way to make their communities better. Just because they can. In giving to their communities, they embrace uncertainty, banish cynicism and just care enough to give whatever they do their best shot. And, as givers who give with purpose, they learn and grow tremendously from the process. Such people are special because they let their work do their talking. I love watching such folk in action, working with them, hanging out with them and then sharing stories of their work with anyone and everyone I meet.

It is one thing to be grateful. It is quite another thing to make that privilege count. So, when I find such people, I do my best to hold on tight.