Author: alearningaday

5 guidelines for being constructive

Here are 5 guidelines I have developed for being constructive over the years –

1. Listen a LOT more than you talk. At least 3x more. I won’t go on about the benefits of listening – just do it. And, when you do, try not to do it the way I do it and give people time to finish what they want to say. (I’m working on doing it right)

2. Quantity never equals quality. When you spend time with people, make sure it is as constructive as it possibly can be. It’s okay if it is less – let it be good.

3. If you sense yourself in a non-constructive mood, stop. Get out. Get some space. This is a critical move if you’re an introvert who needs to recharge. The other way to judge this is when you are in a low willpower state – lack of food and sleep can do this to you.

4. Only give your opinion to those who really want to hear it. Opinions are like backsides. Everyone loves airing them but it’s perhaps best not to do so in public. What you think is only valuable to people when they want to hear it. This can be extremely different if you are generally outspoken / used to expressing yourself.

 

5. Don’t discuss what to think, discuss how-to-think. Speak about how you’d approach a problem rather than your proposed solution. This is always valuable as it enables a generally constructive discussion how to approach problems.

Being constructive is a lot about managing your style. From my experience, you learn more by making mistakes than by watching others do it right. Watch for whether your conversations end constructively and think about what went right or wrong over time. You’re not going to get a 100% constructive hit rate and that’s okay. But, we can get better. As always, a touch of awareness and a touch of reflection followed by action can help us work magic.

On relationships that didn’t work

It is easy to classify people we have known as those we liked and those we disliked based on whether our relationships remain positive or ended either negatively or with a sense of “good riddance.”

I find it helpful to add a third category – the ones that didn’t work – and separate them from the truly bad relationships. I tend to believe that 9 out of every 10 people we meet have good intentions and it’s just the chemistry that doesn’t work.

When I think if this third category of relationships, I think of many relationships that, well, didn’t work. In fact, just thinking of them this way takes out nearly every relationship that I’d previously written off as “bad.” In most cases, these were relationships that became that way as we grew, while, in other cases, it took us a while to realize things weren’t working. In some cases, I pulled the plug and, in other cases, either the relationship just drifted away or the other person pulled the plug. Some of these lasted many years with earnest attempts at making then work while others didn’t.

In every case, however, I learnt something about myself. I learnt about my core values, my chosen approach to life and about my own level of openness to different traits and value systems. These tend to be particularly instructive when I think about some professional relationships that didn’t work as differences in “approach” or “the how” features as a reason for it not working as much as the value system.

The beauty about thinking about what didn’t work is that we get much better at spotting doomed relationships. That, in turn, means we get better at picking future friends, project mates, partners and team members -> less time wasted and more happiness.

It is tempting to write off relationships that didn’t work as bad investments we ought to avoid thinking about. It’s much better if we remember the good times (and there generally are a few), understand why they didn’t work and apply what we understand in our life going forward.

We are never going to be perfect at this but we can get better..

The hard thing about self awareness

If you are completely oblivious, you wouldn’t know it.

So, how do you get better at self awareness? By surrounding yourself with people who are self aware and asking them to help you become less oblivious. The first step (ironically) is still awareness.

You can’t stop being the sucker on the table if you didn’t know you were the sucker in the first place.

Study groups and learning – The 200 words project

Here’s this week’s 200 word idea thanks to TheBuildNetwork.com and our RealLeaders.tv interview with Mark Suster.

In 1986, the Harvard university president wanted to know if there was a way to predict whether a particular student would succeed or fail in college. What was different about kids who succeeded as undergrads?

The subsequent study revealed the single best predictor of college success – it’s all about with whom rather than how you learn, i.e., it wasn’t GPA or SAT scores or a number of any kind. It was a student’s ability to either create or join a study group. Students who studied in groups, even only once a week, were more engaged in their studies, better prepared for class, and learned significantly more than students who worked on their own.

Venture capitalist Mark Suster applied this in his own career by creating peer learning groups of fellow CEO’s when he ran his own start-up and of venture capitalists when he started his career in venture capital in Los Angeles.

Perhaps it is time for us to create our own peer learning group.

Study-groups-and-learning

Source and thanks to: www.EBSketchin.com

‘I felt that when I was being open and willing to talk to other people about what my issues were and then tried to solicit from them, that the table actually discussed things. You can do that. Anyone can do that.’ | Mark Suster

Needing luck

When you follow a good process, you lessen the need for luck. It’s when you follow a bad process that you gravely need luck.

The last time I found myself fervently hoping for luck, I reminded myself that, if this didn’t work out, it was because I was paying the price for a bad process.

Hoping for luck is something I seek to eliminate – good skill trumps good luck in my book. Luck is always welcome, of course. But, skill is more reliable.

And, I’d take consistency over sporadic brilliance any day.

Lamborghinis and television ads

A friend recently shared – Lamborghini does not advertise on television because people who buy Lamborghini’s don’t watch television.

The idea applies to everything we do. For example, do we understand where the folks who read our blogs, use our web services hang out?

Perhaps even more pertinently, where do those who we’d like to hang around with, be like and learn from (i.e. our friends) hang out? Our closest friendships form during high school, university and graduate school because of this reason – we are surrounded by a group of people with similar ideas and dreams for an extended period of time.

This sort of environment becomes harder and harder to replicate as we move through life but it makes for great question to ask every once a while – where does my tribe exist and how can I find them?

The best part about this question is that begs a deeper set of questions – who am I?, why am I here?, and what tribes do I want to be part of or create?

Showing up for meetings and being punctual

When I think of the various differences in culture in the many working environments around the world, there’s one that stands out. The more developed a country, the more showing up for meetings and being punctual was part of the culture. While this was religion in the more Germanic parts of the world, this was definitely optional in India (for example) versus China. As a result, calendars and organization only worked well in the more organized countries.

Or, to put it differently, calendars and organization were part of the culture in places that seemed to need it least. And, this was much less an individual trait as it was a cultural trait. The Japanese just have their proverbial “shit together.” “That’s just what we do in Japan” is all they would say. And, if we want to go one step further, I’d say that the next measure of development is the culture of preparation; the more developed and organized a culture, the more you can be sure your pre-reads will have been read. My guess is that this ability to constantly demonstrate integrity (or the ability to make and keep commitments) raises the trust levels and this, in turn, makes work environments better.

It has a powerful personal implication – our ability to consistently make commitments, be organized, prepare, and show up punctually to keep these commitments is what defines our development.

The small things are the big things.

When are we selling?

Joanne Wilson has a nice post up about how raising money as an entrepreneur is all about sales.

Selling has a bad rep thanks largely to the old fashioned glib talking used car/ insurance salesperson. We associate selling with broken promises and lies. So, the natural reaction is to confine selling to as small a role in our lives as possible. Right? Let’s take a moment to look at situations when we are selling.

We sell when..
..we are convincing someone to hire us
..we are negotiating a raise
..we are pitching to our managers to accept our project idea / give us a new leadership opportunity
..we are introducing ourselves
..we are looking to hire someone
..we are convincing people to do pretty much anything – yes, even convincing our partners and friends to go to that restaurant or when we are convincing our kids to go to sleep
..we are presenting or talking to an audience

We are selling all the time. The product we are selling most of the time is ourselves. Yes, there is the occasional time when we have a brand to sell. But, in most cases, the brand is secondary to you. If your client likes you, she will buy your services. Brands help only so much. We demonstrate loyalty to people we like.

So, if we’re having trouble selling our primary product, we only have 2 real choices –
1. Fix the product. Get better. This is typically an iterative process so patience is key.
2. Learn how to sell. Do this by being aware of the many times in the day you are selling and get better at it. We spend a large part of our lives selling. There is very little to be gained by avoiding it and a whole lot to be gained by embracing it and getting good.

So, study sales. Learn to listen. Ask good questions. Practice it. Fail. Get better. Do what it takes.

But, most of all, just get better.

Easy and hard

Things that are easy to do: Procrastinate, criticize a person or initiative, destroy spirit, waste time and resources, be negative, forget commitments or don’t bother making them in the first place, over promise and under deliver, give in to the resistance, use fear as an excuse, never apologize, sacrifice authenticity and avoid the truth.

Things that are hard to do: Build something, fail, be happy, acknowledge failure,  be positive, embrace the struggle, express love, stand up for what you believe in, never tolerate disrespect, empathize, give, share joy, lead, follow, hug, and create.

We face the choice between easy and hard every moment. The more mature we are, the more choices we see. However, maturity only helps us see the choices – only our will power and determination can make us consistently choose the harder path. The hard path is, well, hard. But, it is better. And, even if we start with the best of intentions, after a series of inevitable failures, it may feel like the effort is not worth it.

Until it is.

The anxiety will be forgotten

Think back to your best 3 memories in the last 10 years. If you’ve put together a mental picture of the most memorable times you’ve had, my question for you is – what was the anxiety of the moment then?

You and I know there was one. It took a bit of thinking for me to remember what might have been the anxiety of the moment. For instance, in my final year of university, I was worried about my first job and I was worried about another big rock a couple of years later.

We always have a significant cause to be anxious about. Anxiety is a powerful tool used by the resistance to stop us from being our best self. If we give it too much importance, it can destroy our ability to focus on the present – one of the most important contributors to our happiness. And, today’s post is just a reminder to be present, smile, focus, and enjoy the day for what it is.

The challenges will never stop. The struggles will always make their way into our lives. Embrace them. The fact that they are around means all is normal in the world.

As you know, these anxieties will be forgotten. Our most memorable moments were not worry free. But they were fun, learning-filled, joyous, and meaningful.

They were all those things because we were present and made them so. Let’s remember to continue to do that.