Month: February 2023

Our 4 year old and I were having an interesting conversation about the relationship between doing challenging things and happiness.

He was trying to understand why I love working. And I was trying to illustrate how doing challenging things (biking or sports) gives us more happiness than, say, watching TV.

I’m fairly sure I didn’t land that point.

For next time, I intend to take a catchier approach to explain this is – easy things -> little happiness. Hard things -> lots of happiness.

Easy come, easy go.

The obstacle is the way.

One of the most powerful pieces of mental jiujitsu is to reframe negative feelings/experiences to learning that then leads to a specific set of actions.

You can’t control the misstep. But you can ensure a creative, constructive, and corrective response.

There’s a great scene in the 90s Disney movie “Remember the Titans” where the two protagonists engage in an intense war of words.

“Captain’s supposed to be the leader right?”

“Right”

“You got a job?”

“I have a job.”

“You been doin’ your job?

“I’ve been doing my job”

“… Nobody plays. Yourself included. I’m supposed to wear myself out for the team? What team? Nah, nah what I’m gonna do is look out for myself and I’ma get mine.”

“See man, that’s the worst attitude I ever heard.”

Attitude reflect leadership, Captain.”

I thought of this “attitude reflect leadership” quote a few times in the past months.

We walked into a store where the only employee was busy on their phone. We looked around to see that the manager was too.

We walked into another store where every employee went out of their way to make our experience great. The manager seemed to be with every customer all at once.

I spent time with an organization that had undergone a transformation. Everyone agreed it was thanks to dynamic leadership that changed the culture.

We even saw a family at dinner at a restaurant where everyone seemed to be busy on the phone. It turns out they were just following the example their parents were setting for them.

Attitude reflects leadership indeed. In more ways than we realize.

In a conversation about trust, someone said it takes 300 positive actions to rebuild the trust from 3 bad incidents.

It may have been a slight exaggeration to make a point.

But the point remains. Trust is easy to break and hard to rebuild.

Named your problem must be, before solve it you can.

(Adapted from Master Yoda’s – Named your fear must be, before banish it you can)

“Sorry to move this meeting. I had a last minute meeting show up on my calendar.”

“Sorry to move this meeting. An executive put a meeting on my calendar.”

“Sorry to move this meeting. A conflict came up.”

“Sorry to move this meeting. A conflict that I need to prioritize came up.”

“Sorry to move this meeting. A conflict that I want to prioritize came up.”

“Sorry to move this meeting. A conflict that I choose to prioritize came up.”

All of these are slightly different ways to share the same message. Some versions have a strongly reactive bent – “something happened to me.” Others veer toward a more proactive message – “something happened and I made a choice.”

2 reflections –

(1) We can tell ourselves and others many different stories about the same situation. It helps to be thoughtful about them.

(2) If we want to build the habit of being proactive – learning to find the space between stimulus and response – it helps to use proactive language. Words often precede action.

Imagine you walk into a dark room from a brightly lit one. If you try to move around quickly, you’re likely to hurt yourself.

You might trip, ram into a bed or table, or walk into the wall by mistake.

However, give it a few seconds and you’ll soon start getting a sense of the space. Your eyes will adjust, you’ll begin moving slowly and with smaller steps, and you might even stretch your hands to make sure you aren’t about to crash.

A few seconds later, you’ll have enough confidence to pick up speed and the environment will look clearer as your eyes fully adjust to the darkness.

Change works much the same way. When a lot changes on us, sudden or hurried movements can cause a lot of pain.

But if we give ourselves the time to let the change sink in, start taking small steps, and give ourselves the chance to adjust to the surroundings, we’ll be able to get moving again.

We have an incredible capacity to deal with change. We just have to work through the process and be kind to ourselves while we’re at it.

You met Adam and realized he’d benefit from a conversation with Anita. You pitch the idea to Adam and he’s grateful for the help. You know Anita really well and know Anita would be happy to speak with Adam. So you send out an email connecting them and move on.

That exchange is a “single opt in” intro. Single opt in because Adam opted in. However, Anita didn’t have the opportunity to.

A “double opt in” intro would have entailed an extra step. You would have sent Anita an email to ask her for her permission. Once she said yes, you’d then introduce Adam. This is a “double opt in” intro as you now have permission from both sides.

Double opt-in introductions are an order of magnitude better than single opt-in intros in every scenario –

(1) If Anita said yes as expected, you still gave her the choice to do so and demonstrated that you don’t take her time for granted.

(2) If Anita said no because of some unexpected circumstance, you just helped her dodge a potentially uncomfortable or embarrassing exchange.

(3) If Anita said some variant of “yes but” (e.g., yes but I’m busy over the next few weeks), it gives you the opportunity to set the right expectation with Adam.

Always choose a double opt-in intro. It is worth the extra effort.