This article on Lifehacker had some sage advice for parents on things to stop saying to kids. I thought this was very good advice for everyone and I’ve taken a crack at translating the advice into what it means for the rest of us in our interaction with teammates, friends, and family.
1. For kids: Instead of “Good boy/Good girl/Good job” or “You’re so smart” – be specific e.g. I appreciate it when you cooperate or take your feelings out of the conversation and just say “I noticed you shared your food…” and allow them to decide if they liked it and continue to do it out of intrinsic motivation
For us: Focus on the effort in the process rather than the outcome. Be really specific about the behaviors that worked for you. This takes away the fluff around feedback. Start with why.
2. For kids: “I see red, blue, and yellow! Can you tell me more about your picture?” instead of “What a beautiful picture/drawing.”
For us: Take time to understand a person’s work before throwing out a snap judgment/evaluation (good or bad). This is a great rule of thumb. I received an idea over email yesterday that I didn’t agree with – luckily, I chose not to respond as my feelings about it would have shown. Better to listen, understand, and then decide.
3. For kids: “It’s NOT OKAY to do …. I’m worried that x will happen. If you want to do.., do .. Instead. ” instead of “stop it right now, or else.”
For us: We’ve all been guilty of just saying “stop doing that” in a fit of rage. Again, explain why.
4. For kids: “Thank you so much for helping/understanding.” vs “If you ….., then I’ll ….”
For us: If you have to continually strike deals/bribe your teammates/employees with bonuses and incentives to get some extra work done, there is something else wrong. Focus on intrinsic rewards vs extrinsic rewards.
5. For kids: “It’s okay to cry. We all need to sometimes..” vs “Don’t cry.”
For us: This is one we confront when we give people bad news.
6. For kids: “I know you really want that play date and we’ll do our best to make it happen” vs “I’ll promise”
For us: Broken promises are horrible as they break trust. Take “I promise” out of your vocabulary and stick to your commitments. If you do commit to doing your best, do the best that is humanly possible. And, when things don’t go your way, take responsibility for your failure.
7. For kids: “I am sorry you’re disappointed but we can’t do that today.” vs “It’s no big deal.”
For us: Empathize with feelings even if you are saying no. What is not a big deal for us may be a huge deal for someone else.
8. For kids: “Were you feeling …..?” vs “why did you do that?”
For us: Why is an intimidating question – I’ve blogged about this before and tend to prefer a wiser friend’s suggestion to replace it with “What made you feel like…”
The key here is to seek to understand before being understood.
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1, 7, 8 are my biggest pain points on this list and I think I do 3, 4, and 6 okay.
More importantly, I found the exercise of typing this out and sharing very useful. Teaching and sharing is the best way to learn indeed.
A Learning a Day 