I think there are two ways to “help” someone – we can “be of help” or we can “help.”
“Be of help”
“I am thinking of taking friends for dinner to ….. Quick thoughts about the place?”
“Would you mind taking a quick look at my resume and give me feedback in 5 minutes?“
“Honey! Do I look fat?”
With all 3 questions, there is only one answer. It’s a simple distinction. When you are asked to be of help, you are asked to affirm someone. It doesn’t matter what the truth is. All that matters is you tell them what they want to hear.
“Help”
The same 3 questions would be answered very differently if you were looking to really help someone. Let’s work with the same examples.
– The dinner discussion could revolve around the kind of place this friend is looking for. (“What ambience are you looking for?”)
– The resume discussion could easily be much deeper. (“What are you trying to convey?”)
– The “Do I look fat?” discussion could be about exercise. (“Are you looking to start an exercise routine?”). Don’t try this at home, of course..
My point here is that it’s two distinct ways of approaching things. The ask is different. The first is a tad superficial and about affirmation while the second involves digging deep and making the effort to understand the context and the back story.
If I have to build on resume’s (thanks to a resume side project being a constant factor in the past 3 months, I’ve been blogging about it a bit since it’s been on my mind), depth is generally a quintessential part of the result. It’s easy to help someone with a few format-level changes. The magic comes in a 3 step process –
– Understand the context (why did the person do what they did so far? i.e. past. why is the person applying to …..? i.e. future)
– Craft the 1 line pitch (why you?)
– Improve the presentation (how can we ensure the little things look great?)
There’s no short cut around these things. You either go through the process or you don’t. The first two steps take a bit of thinking and the final step typically takes 12-14 drafts. It is deep and painful.
From my own past experience, I’ve learnt that depth is generally not appreciated (more on this later..). More often than not, we, as humans, prefer the superficial. Having been on the other side, I’ve learnt that I must ask for help only if I want “help”, and as far as possible avoid “being of help.” This realization helped me understand why very few people make it through my intensive resume program. (Haha)
This insight hit me yesterday evening and I think I finally understood why I told a young friend her “being of help” question was one that didn’t work for me. I wasn’t able to articulate my reason. Now, I know. It just doesn’t work for me. If I’m involved, I prefer digging in. It’s not always pretty but it’s the way I prefer..
I know better now. I just need to learn to say “no” nicely when I see a “be of help” request to come through.
A Learning a Day 